Gary, I hope she likes this one! ***** A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owes you," said the...

Two men are walking a doberman and a chihuahua when they see a restaurant. They're pretty hungry, so they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says, "NO DOGS ALLOWED." The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on ...

A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small...

Thanks, Gary!

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I went to my local bookstore, and asked the owner for Trump’s new book on illegal immigration.

He said, “Get the hell out and don’t come back.”

I said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”

It's rare that I find two in one day, but this might be a repeat. ***** A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" Th...

Today is my girl Stephanie Zimbalist's birthday. (See avatar.) ***** A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to t...

I just saw some idiot at the gym.

He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill!

I'm in a long term relationship with Citibank Visa. They call me all the time. I think they just want me to feel loved. ***** People are now going on dates at coffee bars. This is the worst idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date doesn't look any better. ***** All my doctor does is send me to other ...

My last credit card bill was so big I heard a drum roll when I opened it.

I'm still looking for more British gags.

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Some birds mate for life. There's no divorce in the aviary world.

I think that's why they fly into windows. It's their only way out.

We used to terrorize our babysitters when I was little, except for my grandfather because he used to read to us from his will.

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido ...

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passi...

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m., and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is gi...

I found another English joke. ***** She’s had a hard day, and so she runs a nice long bath for a chance to relax her cares away. She lights some candles, puts on some music, pours a big glass of wine, strips off, and climbs into the warm bubbles. Only been in a few minutes when the doorbell rings. O...

My mother was a clean freak.

She vacuumed so much the guy downstairs went bald.

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus. 2 days later he gets a call from the lab. Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease. Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!...

This is from Michael Caine.

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A man comes home early from work to find his wife in bed with his three best friends.

He looks at them and exclaims, “Wots this!?! ‘ello, ‘ello, ‘ello!”

His wife looks up at him and says, “Well aren’t you going to say ‘ello to me?”

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial. The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?" "Yes," said Sam, "I plainly saw him take the goods." The lawyer asked again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?" "Yes," said Sam, "I...

I've heard that dogs are man's best friend. That explains where men get their hygiene tips.