An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m., and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is gi...

I found another English joke. ***** She’s had a hard day, and so she runs a nice long bath for a chance to relax her cares away. She lights some candles, puts on some music, pours a big glass of wine, strips off, and climbs into the warm bubbles. Only been in a few minutes when the doorbell rings. O...

My mother was a clean freak.

She vacuumed so much the guy downstairs went bald.

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus. 2 days later he gets a call from the lab. Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease. Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!...

This is from Michael Caine.

*****

A man comes home early from work to find his wife in bed with his three best friends.

He looks at them and exclaims, “Wots this!?! ‘ello, ‘ello, ‘ello!”

His wife looks up at him and says, “Well aren’t you going to say ‘ello to me?”

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial. The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?" "Yes," said Sam, "I plainly saw him take the goods." The lawyer asked again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?" "Yes," said Sam, "I...

I've heard that dogs are man's best friend. That explains where men get their hygiene tips.

Having children gives your life purpose. Right now, my purpose is to get some sleep.

Great to see you again, Gene!

*****

The cable repairman was on my street, and asked me what time it was.

I told him it is between 1:00 pm and 4:00 pm.

I've seen some good English jokes! ***** A bin man (garbage man) is doing his rounds in the posh area of town. He can’t find one house’s wheely bin, so he rings the doorbell, and a well-dressed lady answers. “Where’s yer bin?” he asks “Oh, thank you for noticing, we’ve just got back from the Algarve...

Here is another English joke. (These English jokes are probably old news to Clive.) ***** A family have a parrot, and after many years, it dies. The wife is distraught, and after a few days, goes to the pet store to get another. The store owner proudly shows off this wonderful colourful specimen, sa...

I hope everyone enjoyed his Easter! ***** Manny is almost 29 years old. His friends have already gotten married, but Manny still just dates and dates. Finally, a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"...

One day, a man was dragged to the movie theatre by his wife who wanted to watch a romantic comedy. Half an hour into the film, the man felt a nudge in his elbow. "What an outrage," his wife murmured to him. "The person sitting in front of us is sleeping!" the woman said, clearly offended. He replied...

In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!" The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "...

Another English joke. ***** A four year old girl befriends a group of builders who are working on a house next door to hers. The builders fall in love with her because she is so cute. They give her a bit of sand to play with so she can pretend she is mixing cement. At lunchtime they let her have lun...

John and Ed, those are great!

A man with suspected Chinese virus is lying in a hospital bed with a face mask on, waiting to be seen. A beautiful young trainee nurse comes to give the man a bed bath. The man asks, “Are my testicles black?" The nurse replies, “I'm here to give you a bed bath" The man asks again slightly more agita...

At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already had at least one child the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child. "Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.' "But think about that for a second....

Happy Spring! This is apparently an English joke. ***** These laws are not scientifically proven, not theoretically reasonable and not professionally endorsed, but they are irrefutably true. O'brien's Variation Law: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one y...

Some of these make my head hurt! ***** How did a fool and his money get together? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? If it's to...