A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got ...

Chap goes in to a bar and orders a vodka and coke. Barman serves him. Man drinks it orders another. This goes on for a while, until the chap begins to slow down. Barman asks, "Is there anything the matter, sir?" Chap replies, "I had an enormous argument with the wife. She said she won't speak to me ...

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, “Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?” The old man yells, “He says you were speed...

I received an email from Wade today, saying that everything is 25% off.

In addition, he now carries collectible knives.

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I made love with each of them th...

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday’s sermon he told them, “If one more person confesses to adultery, I’ll quit!” Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: “fallen.” From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had “fa...

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard, and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and ...

That's made my day, Jim!

My local college just announced the end of a scientific study.

Results showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

Happy Labor Day! ***** Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself. “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?” asks ...

My wife asked me if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.

I went to the zoo today.

There was only one animal. It was a dog. It was a shih tzu.

A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good locat...

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-LB potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this...

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime. Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, “Johnny, those ...

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news. Client: Well, give me the bad news first. Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene. Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news? Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down ...

Gary, you really hit the jackpot with that one!

*****

My mother is sixty, and her whole life she only slept with one guy. She won't tell me who.

This is another one that seems familiar. I'm glad you guys have short memories! ***** An 8 year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take your daughter to work Day'. As they walked around the office she started crying and getting cranky. Her father asked what was wrong. As the staff gathe...

Donna's husband Mike died suddenly one day. Donna was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Mike's obituary to read. Donna asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?" The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word." Donna then said, "...

This one seems familiar. Maybe it's been posted before. ***** Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away. “Logan, wait until we say our prayer,” his mother reminded him. “I don’t have to,” the little boy repli...