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Joke of the Day

Feel free to post anything unrelated to wet shaving or men's grooming (I.e. cars, watches, pens, leather goods. You know, the finer things of life).

Re: Joke of the Day

Postby fallingwickets » Thu Aug 24, 2017 7:02 am

:D :D
de gustibus non est disputandum
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby desertbadger » Thu Aug 24, 2017 7:10 am

=D> :lol:
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby brothers » Sun Aug 27, 2017 8:43 pm

I like it Russ! :D
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Mon Aug 28, 2017 8:16 am

A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston.

After almost 24 hours on the road, they’re felt too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room, but they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

“But we didn’t use them,” the man complains. “Well, they are here, and you could have,” explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” complains the man again. “Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, “But we didn’t use it!”

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But sir,” he says, “this check is only made out for $100.”

“That’s right,” says the man. “I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.”

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.

“Well,” the man replies, “she was here, and you could have.”
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby brothers » Wed Aug 30, 2017 12:41 pm

Note: I take no credit for the following. It comes from the SMF archives and was originally posted by the late SMF member Gramps. I think it's funny, and I hope you do also. :D Enjoy . . . .

Gramps wrote:Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine
travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground
level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the
same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

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--

Answer:

Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're pissed.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Thu Aug 31, 2017 10:21 am

One day a Scotsman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

“It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years,” replies the Scotsman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Och – in the name of the wee man is that good!”

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of good scotch?” she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, “Ten years.” She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, “'Tis absolutely fantastic!”

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, “And how long has it been since you’ve played around?”

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, “Oh, sweet -----! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there too!”
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby ShadowsDad » Thu Aug 31, 2017 11:28 am

Too funny! I enjoy this joke thread alot.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Tue Sep 12, 2017 8:43 pm

Thanks Brian!

A scout reported that he’d discovered a great pitcher. “In last night’s game,” he reported by phone to the manager, “he struck out all twenty-seven men on the other team. What’s more, he got all of them on three pitches, except for one guy who hit a foul.”

The manager said, “Get the name of the guy who hit the foul. We need hitters!”
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby desertbadger » Wed Sep 13, 2017 9:05 pm

Good one, GA!
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Thu Sep 14, 2017 6:34 pm

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUSTN’T RUN AROUND ON ME, MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell.

Much to her surprise (and dismay), she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!”

The old man smiled, “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”

She snorted, “You don’t have any arms either!”

Again, the old man smiled, “Therefore, I can never beat you!”

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, “Are you still good in bed???”

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

“Rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Squire » Fri Sep 15, 2017 10:09 am

The wheelchair guy is a classic.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Thu Oct 12, 2017 7:22 pm

Thanks, Squire and David!

*****

Things to ponder

1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

3. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

4. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who was the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

5. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

6. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

7. Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

8. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

9. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

10. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

11. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

12. How is it one careless match can start a Forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Sat Oct 14, 2017 8:42 pm

A science teacher asked her students, “Children, if you could own one mineral, what would it be?"

One boy said, “I would choose gold. It’s worth lots of money and I could buy a Corvette.”

Another boy said, “I would want platinum because it’s worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche.”

The teacher said, “Johnny, what would you want?

Johnny said, “I would want silicone.”

“Why would you want silicone?” asked the teacher.

“Well my mom got some," he replied, “and there’s always a Porsche or Corvette sitting in our driveway.”
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Tue Oct 17, 2017 8:33 pm

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Wed Oct 18, 2017 8:42 am

An elderly priest, speaking to a younger priest, said: “It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.”

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued: “And you told me that adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n’ roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.”

“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”

“All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elderly priest. “But I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

“But, Father,” protested the young priest. “My confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”

“Yes,” replied the elderly priest, “and I appreciate that. But that flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n’ Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof.”
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby brothers » Mon Oct 23, 2017 9:43 am

My joke of the day seems to be --- Politicians --- but nobody's laughing anymore! :x
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Wed Nov 15, 2017 9:42 pm

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If a member of a synchronized swimming team drowns, do the rest also drown?

Why do sky divers wear helmets?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

Why do banks charge you an ‘insufficient funds’ fee for money they already know you don’t have?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Squire » Thu Nov 16, 2017 7:33 am

Thanks Russ, I'll be quoting a few of these today.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby brothers » Thu Nov 16, 2017 8:11 pm

Questions without answers --- makes one stop and think for a moment.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby ShadowsDad » Fri Nov 17, 2017 7:19 am

brothers wrote:Questions without answers --- makes one stop and think for a moment.


And a chuckle.
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