Joke of the Day

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brothers
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by brothers » Mon Mar 04, 2019 5:50 pm

Russ, my wife and I laughed out loud! =D>
That's a great one!
Gary

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GA Russell
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Tue Mar 05, 2019 1:15 pm

Gary, tell me what your wife thinks about this one!

*****

A doctor was addressing a large audience on the subject of modern nutrition.

“The rubbish we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here years ago.

Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and most of us have or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and said: “Wedding Cake?”
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by CMur12 » Tue Mar 05, 2019 3:02 pm

That's a good one, Russ!

- Murray
Give me Soap or give me death!

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Fri Mar 08, 2019 8:14 pm

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Sun Mar 10, 2019 3:32 am

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by brothers » Sun Mar 10, 2019 8:57 am

GA Russell wrote:
Tue Mar 05, 2019 1:15 pm
Gary, tell me what your wife thinks about this one!

*****

A doctor was addressing a large audience on the subject of modern nutrition.

“The rubbish we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here years ago.

Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and most of us have or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and said: “Wedding Cake?”
She got a good laugh out of this one too! :lol:
Gary

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Mon Mar 11, 2019 4:04 pm

Gary, remember your bottle of Cool Water from years ago? I finally finished it!

*****

A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge."

"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Tue Mar 12, 2019 3:27 pm

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Wed Mar 13, 2019 2:24 am

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by brothers » Sat Mar 16, 2019 5:22 pm

Doctor and Patient:

Doctor - "Do you want the good news or the bad news?"
Patient - "Give me the good news."
Doctor - "We're naming a disease after you."
Gary

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Tue Mar 19, 2019 2:55 pm

Gary, that's your best joke ever!

*****

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them: "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun, and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life," He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
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