Joke of the Day

Feel free to post anything unrelated to wet shaving or men's grooming (I.e. cars, watches, pens, leather goods. You know, the finer things of life).
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GA Russell
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Thu Aug 28, 2014 4:35 pm

Maybe just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Fri Aug 29, 2014 8:39 pm

The other night I ate at a nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going on.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Fri Sep 12, 2014 5:24 pm

Guess Which One

A young man excitedly tells his mother that he's fallen in love, and is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over three women, and you try to guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, and sits them down on the couch, and they chat for a while. He then says, "OK, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Mom. You're right! How did you know?"

His mother replied, "I don't like her."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Sat Sep 13, 2014 11:05 am

A car was pulled over by a highway patrolman for speeding.

As the officer was writing the ticket, he noticed several machetes in the car. “What are those for?” he asked suspiciously.

“I’m a juggler,” the man replied. “I use those in my act.”

“Well, show me,” the officer demanded.

The juggler took out the machetes and started juggling them; first three, then more until he was tossing seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show in the breakdown lane and amazing the officer.

Just then, another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, “My God. I’ve got to give up drinking! Look at the test they’re giving now.”
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Fri Sep 19, 2014 3:01 pm

I sing so badly deaf people refuse to watch my lips move.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Tue Oct 07, 2014 2:55 pm

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.

When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Wed Oct 08, 2014 12:52 pm

If a car could go at the speed of light, would its headlights work?
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Mon Oct 13, 2014 6:08 pm

Tell a man that there are 500 billion stars in the universe, and he will believe you.

Tell him a fence has just been painted, and he has to touch it first.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by CMur12 » Mon Oct 13, 2014 9:18 pm

Where do you get all these, Russ?

Thanks for the steady effort to bring smiles and chuckles to SMF.

- Murray
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Wed Oct 15, 2014 4:16 pm

Thanks, Murray!

Everyday I get emails that are advertisements, but they start with a joke to get you to open them! Most of the jokes aren't funny, but the better ones I post here.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Thu Oct 16, 2014 1:45 pm

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they “oohed and aahed,” the old man asked Peter how much all of this was going to cost. “It’s free,” Peter replied. “This is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed on to. They would have golfing privileges everyday, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, “What are the green fees?” Peter’s reply: “This is heaven, you play for free.”

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the world laid out. “How much to eat?” asked the old man. “Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, “That’s the best part . . . You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like, and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for you and your damn bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Squire » Thu Oct 16, 2014 10:29 pm

That's a good one, too bad my preacher can't tell a joke.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Fri Oct 17, 2014 4:44 pm

"Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?"

- Robert Orben
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Fri Oct 17, 2014 5:04 pm

A husband went to police station to report his missing wife.....

Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .
Sergeant: Build?
Husband : Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband : Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans — I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: Did she go in a car?
Husband : Yes.
Sergeant: What kind of car was it?
Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door…

At this point the husband started crying.

Sergeant : Don’t worry sir … We will find your car.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Mon Oct 20, 2014 6:20 pm

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals that are.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Wed Oct 22, 2014 2:31 pm

All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned.

He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table.

As soon as he sat down the chairman looked him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked,

“Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?”

“Oh, no sir, positively not!” Bob replied.

“Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.

“Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!”

“You’d swear to that?”

"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Mrs. Foyt, anytime, anywhere."

"Good, then you have been chosen to fire her!"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Fri Oct 24, 2014 5:13 pm

A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Bobwhite » Fri Oct 24, 2014 10:17 pm

A quote from a Kid, " Wipe it real good Grandpa, sometimes Mom doesn't and it itches real bad."

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by brothers » Sat Oct 25, 2014 1:15 am

Russ, I read the one about the baseball bat to my wife and she had a good laugh, as did I. That's a good one!
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Mon Oct 27, 2014 3:16 pm

Gary, tell the missus some of these!

Wise Things...

1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried, but they wanted cash.

5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... But whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

8. You can't buy love. But you pay heavily for it.

9. True friends stab you in the front.

10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
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