Joke of the Day

[Squire]

The innocent bystanders who's cars get smashed up never file lawsuits.

[GA Russell]

LOL! Squire, that's better than the ones in the joke!

[GA Russell]

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13..."

[scruffy]

husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

​Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new ​2015 ​Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

[GA Russell]

We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle, and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime.

By the time I was fourteen I owned my first car.

[GA Russell]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said "OK," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

[Squire]

Oh I like that one.

[GA Russell]

A head of lettuce knows something you don't.

It knows for sure if the light in the refrigerator really goes out when the door is closed.

[brothers]

That's a good one

[ThePossum]

Beer, why is it good to drink?

Sometimes, after playing golf, I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." -- Babe Ruth

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." -- Winston Churchill

"When I read about the evils of drinking after golfing I gave up reading." -- Paul Horning

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." -- H. L. Mencken

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" -- George Bernard Shaw

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." -- Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." -- Dave Barry

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.! -- W. C. Fields

Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser. -- Professor Irwin Corey

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! -- Leo Durocher

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

[GA Russell]

That's great, Bryce! But I have trouble believing that the Babe really said that. I think that quote is too intelligent for him to come up with!

[GA Russell]

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What’s your name?” he asked the new guy.

“John,” the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker … That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . “

[GA Russell]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also blonde. The blonde cop asked to see her driver's license.

She dug through her handbag and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[brothers]

They just keep getting better and better.

[CMur12]

I thought it was pretty funny, too. (Let's just hope we are not besieged by a horde of angry blonds!)

- Murray

PS. Wait a minute. I'm blond!

[BiffBuff]

OK -- blond joke alert.

A blond is trying to earn a little extra cash, so he decides to go door-to-door in his neighborhood to see if there are any odd chores he could get paid to do. He knocks on the front door of a rather imposing looking house and makes his request.

The homeowner asks, "How much would you charge to paint my porch?"
The blond replies, "Two hundred bucks.", so the homeowner says,"OK, there's a brush and some paint ready in the garage. Go ahead and let me know when you're done."

A couple of hours later, the blond man knocks again, announcing that he's finished. He says,"All done, and there was even enough paint to give a second coat. One thing though, it isn't a porch, it's a Lexus."

[BiffBuff]

Sorry -- just realized the joke I just posted is a repeat (and it was told better the first time).

Again, sorry-----------moderator, please feel free to delete the previous joke and this post.

[GA Russell]

Marriage is like the witness protection program.

You get all new clothes, you live in the suburbs and you are not allowed to see your friends anymore.

[brothers]

Hahaha!!! That's great!

[GA Russell]

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.