Joke of the Day

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Rufus » Sat Feb 29, 2020 10:09 am

Bryan

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GA Russell
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Sun Mar 01, 2020 11:00 am

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.

After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. As he handed the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I went to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself this evening. We have sound now."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Mon Mar 02, 2020 9:59 am

Fact of Life: After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Wed Mar 04, 2020 1:12 am

A diner at a country inn is shocked to see on the menu a dish of "hickory-smoked possum jowls in syrup." He summons a waiter to complain.

The waiter looks at the menu. Then he flings it down and yells to the owner in the kitchen, "Hey, the printers forgot to translate the menu into French again!"
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ShadowsDad
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ShadowsDad » Wed Mar 04, 2020 6:45 am

:D

There is truth in that GA Russell, as there is in much humor. There was a menu item at a fancy NYC restaurant decades ago called "musquash" or some such. They used the Indian name because not many people knew that it translated to muskrat. At least that's the story I heard many years ago. Folks liked it.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by brothers » Wed Mar 04, 2020 6:11 pm

Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction! :D
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Tue Mar 10, 2020 1:11 pm

Some of these make my head hurt!

*****

How did a fool and his money get together?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

What do they use to ship styrofoam?
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John Rose
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by John Rose » Tue Mar 10, 2020 7:52 pm

Fixed it for ya...
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GA Russell
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Fri Mar 20, 2020 11:17 am

Happy Spring!

This is apparently an English joke.

*****

These laws are not scientifically proven, not theoretically reasonable and not professionally endorsed, but they are irrefutably true.

O'brien's Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.

Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number,you never get an engaged one.

Owen's Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Bell's theorem:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Ruby's principle of close encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Willoughby's Law:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Fri Mar 27, 2020 1:03 am

At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already had at least one child the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child.

"Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.'

"But think about that for a second. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife'?"

One of the women spoke up, "Does she cook?"
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ShadowsDad
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ShadowsDad » Fri Mar 27, 2020 1:24 pm

I'm screwed, I do most of the cooking.
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GA Russell
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Wed Apr 01, 2020 8:29 pm

A man with suspected Chinese virus is lying in a hospital bed with a face mask on, waiting to be seen.

A beautiful young trainee nurse comes to give the man a bed bath.

The man asks, “Are my testicles black?"

The nurse replies, “I'm here to give you a bed bath"

The man asks again slightly more agitated this time, “Ok, but can you look to see if my testicles are black?”

The nurse replies, “Sir, I'm only supposed to give you a bed bath - upper body and feet"

The man, rather breathless by now, manages to ask one more time, “Please, are my testicles black?”

The nurse looks at the man in sympathy, and not wanting the mans heart rate to increase or cause any more undue stress, she lifts up the man's gown, takes the man's member in one hand and his testicles in the other, leans in to inspect and says, “No, your testicles are not black.”

The man sits up in his bed, removes his face mask, and says to the nurse...

“Listen to me carefully. ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?”
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by smoothshaver » Thu Apr 02, 2020 11:33 am

LOL, and much needed in these times. :lol: =D>
-Ed

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drmoss_ca
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by drmoss_ca » Fri Apr 03, 2020 4:44 am

I had to have a quick check once you put the thought in my mind...
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John Rose
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by John Rose » Fri Apr 03, 2020 11:22 am

Something I whipped up on my brand-new MacBook Pro:
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COVID-19 Patient Zero
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by brothers » Fri Apr 03, 2020 3:29 pm

=D>
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by kronos9 » Sun Apr 05, 2020 9:24 am

Quarantine humor (no politics).

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks, the other half will come out with a drinking problem.

Still haven't decided where to go for Easter.. the living room or the bedroom.

I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone.

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat, it was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into the house, told my dog... we laughed a lot.

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

I'm so excited... it's time to take out the garbage, what should I wear?

Classified ad: Man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.


Seriously, though. Be smart and stay safe.
Ed

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by CMur12 » Sun Apr 05, 2020 9:26 pm

Those are pretty good, Ed!

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ShadowsDad
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ShadowsDad » Mon Apr 06, 2020 3:50 pm

funny!
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GA Russell
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Wed Apr 08, 2020 5:16 am

John and Ed, those are great!
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