Joke of the Day

[GA Russell]

A man walked into a restaurant and saw a sign that read, "We'll give you $300 if we're unable to serve you any entree you order."

He sat down and told the waitress he wanted elephant liver on rye.

The waitress took the order and left.

All of a sudden, the man heard terrible noises coming from the kitchen - the sound of feet stamping, screaming and the banging of pots and pans. It went on and on.

The noise finally stopped, and the cook appeared from the kitchen.

He slapped down $300 in front of the customer and said, "I can't believe it. We're out of rye."

[GA Russell]

I think many of these are more true than funny!

Rules

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. And finally... Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

[brothers]

All true Russ. Takes a lot of years to understand the wisdom.

[CMur12]

I especially like #5.

- Murray

[GA Russell]

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."

[Squire]

That was an ace serve Russ.

[GA Russell]

Thanks Squire!

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What in Heaven's name is the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs.Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without even looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

[ShadowsDad]

ROTFLMAO!

[ShadowsDad]

I saw this one on the S&W M&P forum yesterday...

I was taking a quick walk in the park. I ran into a woman who was walking her dog. We both stopped for a rest. She says, " Do you ever go hiking?" I replied, " Oh yes, my wife and I hike all of the time." She asks, " Have you ever seen any bears?" I said, " Yes, on a couple different occasions." She asks, "How do you protect yourself?" I told her, " My wife and I carry firearms." She says, " Oh no, my husband and I could never carry a gun." I said, " Then you would need to go to the dollar store. Purchase a couple of those bags of small Xmas bells. Sew them on to your hiking clothes, and then get a large can of pepper spray." " The bear will hear you coming ahead of time with those bells." She asks, " How will I know that there are bears in the area?" I replied, " You'll see their scat." She questions, " Their scat?" I say, " You know, their crap." She then asks, " How will I know if it's bear scat?" I reply, " It will smell like bear spray, and have little bells in it."

[drmoss_ca]

Thanks Squire!

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What in Heaven's name is the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs.Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without even looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Real medical humour about elderly women is just as good. One old lady went to the doctor to complain about a pain behind her breast. Turned out she had arthritis in her knee.

[GA Russell]

Happy New Year! I've been saving up a few.

An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man were sat in the waiting room of the maternity ward at the local hospital.

A nurse comes out and says to the men "I'm sorry, but there's a been a mix-up and we don't know which baby belongs to which mother. Any chance one of you could come in and see if you can help?"

The Englishman stands up and says that he'll help. He walks into the ward and, a couple of minutes later walks out with what is obviously a Pakistani baby. The Pakistani man stands up and shouts "What do you think you're doing?!"

And the Englishman said "Look, one of those babies in there is Welsh, and I'm not taking any chances."

[GA Russell]

Bill, Jim and Scott were staying in a 75-story hotel. One afternoon they were told that the elevators were broken, and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room on the top floor.

Bill said, "The climb will go faster if we distract ourselves. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."

Bill started telling jokes and didn't stop until the 26th floor. Then Jim began to sing and kept going until the 51st floor. Then Jim stopped singing and told Scott to start telling sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," Scott said. "Once upon a time there was a man who left his hotel room key in the car..."

[ShadowsDad]

ROTFLMAO!

[GA Russell]

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was making her rounds. She was visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, “If it starts, I'm becoming a Catholic.”

[GA Russell]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[GA Russell]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[brothers]

Sounds a little like an old Hitchcock story, two folks on a train ---

[GA Russell]

Gary, your true statement is funnier than my joke! I have the DVD of Strangers on a Train, but I haven't seen it yet.

*****

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

[GA Russell]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!"

[GA Russell]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain..."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

(I'm thinking that this was a joke from before the days of cell phones. It wouldn't surprise me if kids too young to remember those days wouldn't see the humor!)