Joke of the Day

[CMur12]

Those are both pretty clever, Russ.

- Murray

[GA Russell]

Thanks, Murray!

*****

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."
Bartender: "Yeah! Sure ... go ahead."
Man: "What covers a house?"
Dog: "Roof!"
Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Dog: "Rough!"
Man: "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
Dog: "Ruth!"
Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door.
Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

[ShadowsDad]

We may not write how much we enjoy the jokes everytime. That would get old quickly. But rest assured that they do brighten the day if only for a moment.

[GA Russell]

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband, "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?"

"No, said her husband.”

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage, created by a soft, silky, push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked, "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?"

"No, I haven't," he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, unzipped her skirt, letting It drop to the floor and seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 50,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way!" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:

"Go look in the garage."

[CMur12]

Okay, Russ, I didn't see that coming!

- Murray

[GA Russell]

The other night, my wife and I were going out for dinner.

She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and said, “Does this look natural?”

[Squire]

To which you answered yes.

[GA Russell]

LOL Squire!

This rings a bell, so maybe one of us has posted this before...

A man returns from overseas and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo some tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We have the results back from your tests and we have found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H. It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"

"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." replied the doctor.

"Will that cure me?" asked the man.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but, it's the only food we can slide under the door."

[malocchio]

TRUMP.JPG (95.4 KiB) Viewed 2964 times

[brothers]

Politics notwithstanding, that's a very good joke! Thanks for making me laugh!

[ShadowsDad]

Too funny!

[GA Russell]

Johnny Puleo, that's the best joke I've heard in a very long time!

[ShadowsDad]

Well, maybe I'll get away with this, if not, just delete it... I have no idea if the last line is true or not. I submit it as I received it.

The British doctor says, "We took a dead man's balls and transplanted
them to a living man and now he is looking for work."

The German doctor says, "In Germany, we take part of a brain, put it
in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man,
put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The American doctor laughs, "You all are behind us. Seven years ago,
we took a Muslim with no brains, no heart and no balls and made him
President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

This joke actually won an award for the best joke in world (UK).

And that's why I don't post jokes. Most of the ones I hear are political in nature.

[malocchio]

Johnny Puleo, that's the best joke I've heard in a very long time!

...if you know Johnny you must be my age !

[GA Russell]

Johnny Puleo, that's the best joke I've heard in a very long time!

...if you know Johnny you must be my age !

My dad bought an album of his in the mid-60s. I think that the album's cover photo was the same as your avatar!

[malocchio]

Johnny Puleo, that's the best joke I've heard in a very long time!

...if you know Johnny you must be my age !

My dad bought an album of his in the mid-60s. I think that the album's cover photo was the same as your avatar!

that's it !!

[GA Russell]

A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

[GA Russell]

I waited a very long time for my number to be called at the Department of Motor Vehicles to renew my driver's license. As I approached the window, the clerk asked how she could help me.

I replied, "I need to get a haircut, can you save me my spot?"

She said, "Why didn't you get a haircut before your came here?"

I replied, "I didn't need one before I got here!"

[GA Russell]

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything -- it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

[GA Russell]

A mall manager has three spaces to rent, all in a row. A prospective lessee shows up and says he wants to rent the space on the left for a men's wear shop.

"That's fine," the mall manager says. "You get free signage; what do you want on the sign?"

"Men's Wear," says the man.

A second guy comes along and asks to rent the right hand space for his gentleman's formal wear business. When asked he says he wants "Men's Wear" on his sign. The mall manager tells him that the left hand shop will have the same sign. "No problem," says the man.

Finally a third man comes along to rent the middle space. The manager is somewhat concerned because this guy also has a men's wear shop. Warily the manager asks the third man what he wants on his sign.

The guy replies: "Entrance."