Joke of the Day
- GA Russell
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Re: Joke of the Day
I've heard that dogs are man's best friend. That explains where men get their hygiene tips.
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- GA Russell
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Re: Joke of the Day
The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.
The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"
"Yes," said Sam, "I plainly saw him take the goods."
The lawyer asked again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asked, "Sam, listen: you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"
Sam replied, "I can see the moon -- how far is that?"
The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"
"Yes," said Sam, "I plainly saw him take the goods."
The lawyer asked again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asked, "Sam, listen: you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"
Sam replied, "I can see the moon -- how far is that?"
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Re: Joke of the Day
Good point!
Brian
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Maker of Kramperts Finest Bay Rum and Frostbite
Or find it here: Italian Barber, West Coast Shaving, Barclay Crocker, The Old Town Shaving Company at Stats, Maggard Razors; Leavitt & Peirce, Harvard Square
- GA Russell
- Posts: 3070
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Re: Joke of the Day
This is from Michael Caine.
*****
A man comes home early from work to find his wife in bed with his three best friends.
He looks at them and exclaims, “Wots this!?! ‘ello, ‘ello, ‘ello!”
His wife looks up at him and says, “Well aren’t you going to say ‘ello to me?”
*****
A man comes home early from work to find his wife in bed with his three best friends.
He looks at them and exclaims, “Wots this!?! ‘ello, ‘ello, ‘ello!”
His wife looks up at him and says, “Well aren’t you going to say ‘ello to me?”
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Re: Joke of the Day
I just knew where that was going, its humorous anyway!
Brian
Maker of Kramperts Finest Bay Rum and Frostbite
Or find it here: Italian Barber, West Coast Shaving, Barclay Crocker, The Old Town Shaving Company at Stats, Maggard Razors; Leavitt & Peirce, Harvard Square
Maker of Kramperts Finest Bay Rum and Frostbite
Or find it here: Italian Barber, West Coast Shaving, Barclay Crocker, The Old Town Shaving Company at Stats, Maggard Razors; Leavitt & Peirce, Harvard Square
- GA Russell
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- Joined: Fri Apr 11, 2008 10:15 pm
- Location: Raleigh, NC
Re: Joke of the Day
A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus. 2 days later he gets a call from the lab.
Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.
Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!
Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her. If she finds her way back home, don't open the door.
Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.
Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!
Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her. If she finds her way back home, don't open the door.
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- GA Russell
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Re: Joke of the Day
My mother was a clean freak.
She vacuumed so much the guy downstairs went bald.
She vacuumed so much the guy downstairs went bald.
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Re: Joke of the Day
Gary
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- GA Russell
- Posts: 3070
- Joined: Fri Apr 11, 2008 10:15 pm
- Location: Raleigh, NC
Re: Joke of the Day
I found another English joke.
*****
She’s had a hard day, and so she runs a nice long bath for a chance to relax her cares away. She lights some candles, puts on some music, pours a big glass of wine, strips off, and climbs into the warm bubbles.
Only been in a few minutes when the doorbell rings. Obviously completely naked, she realizes she doesn’t have a towel handy so she tries to cover herself with few handfuls of judiciously placed bubbles and goes to the front door.
“Who is it?” She calls out.
“The blind guy from the village” comes the slow, quiet response.
Well, she thinks, I might be naked, but he won’t see me, so no harm in answering to see what he wants? So she opens the door.
“Nice tits. Where do you want your blinds?” he says.
*****
She’s had a hard day, and so she runs a nice long bath for a chance to relax her cares away. She lights some candles, puts on some music, pours a big glass of wine, strips off, and climbs into the warm bubbles.
Only been in a few minutes when the doorbell rings. Obviously completely naked, she realizes she doesn’t have a towel handy so she tries to cover herself with few handfuls of judiciously placed bubbles and goes to the front door.
“Who is it?” She calls out.
“The blind guy from the village” comes the slow, quiet response.
Well, she thinks, I might be naked, but he won’t see me, so no harm in answering to see what he wants? So she opens the door.
“Nice tits. Where do you want your blinds?” he says.
Rapira Swedish Supersteel
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Lijun badger
Gillette 1948-1950 Super Speed
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- GA Russell
- Posts: 3070
- Joined: Fri Apr 11, 2008 10:15 pm
- Location: Raleigh, NC
Re: Joke of the Day
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m., and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
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- fallingwickets
- Clive the Thumb
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Re: Joke of the Day
Ha! One of the best ones yet!
Gary
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Re: Joke of the Day
If you'd enjoy a few minutes of refreshing comedy, check out this clip from one of the best ever.
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=do ... &FORM=VIRE
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=do ... &FORM=VIRE
Gary
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- GA Russell
- Posts: 3070
- Joined: Fri Apr 11, 2008 10:15 pm
- Location: Raleigh, NC
Re: Joke of the Day
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" they asked.
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" they asked.
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
Rapira Swedish Supersteel
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Re: Joke of the Day
Texas farmer on vacation in France stops at a little country farm to talk with the owner.
He asks him how big his land is. French farmer tells him "It goes from the tree you see there on the side of the road, to the back of the old building a few hundred meters down the field and along the little stream just by the farm house".
The Texan, being a Texan, can't help himself and explains how on his land back in America, when he gets on his tractor, he can go on for a couple of days before he gets to the other end of his property.
French farmer looks at him dumbstruck and says "I once had a tractor like that".
He asks him how big his land is. French farmer tells him "It goes from the tree you see there on the side of the road, to the back of the old building a few hundred meters down the field and along the little stream just by the farm house".
The Texan, being a Texan, can't help himself and explains how on his land back in America, when he gets on his tractor, he can go on for a couple of days before he gets to the other end of his property.
French farmer looks at him dumbstruck and says "I once had a tractor like that".
"If this isn't nice, then what is?" - Kurt Vonnegut's Uncle Alex
Re: Joke of the Day
Ellen DeGeneres jokes --
• "He's from Somalia — a sommelier — so he knows a lot about wine. That is impressive. Who's the wine captain now?" — to Barkhad Abdi, nominated for his performance as a Somali pirate in Captain Phillips.
• "I have to say, one of the most impressive Liza Minnelli impersonators I've seen in my life. Really, seriously, good job, sir." — to Liza Minnelli.
• "Between all the nominees here tonight, you've done over 1,400 films ... and a total of six years of college."
• "He's from Somalia — a sommelier — so he knows a lot about wine. That is impressive. Who's the wine captain now?" — to Barkhad Abdi, nominated for his performance as a Somali pirate in Captain Phillips.
• "I have to say, one of the most impressive Liza Minnelli impersonators I've seen in my life. Really, seriously, good job, sir." — to Liza Minnelli.
• "Between all the nominees here tonight, you've done over 1,400 films ... and a total of six years of college."
Gary
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- GA Russell
- Posts: 3070
- Joined: Fri Apr 11, 2008 10:15 pm
- Location: Raleigh, NC
Re: Joke of the Day
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million.
The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him, Where’s the money?“
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”
Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s temple and says, “Ask him again!”
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”
Guido signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”
The lawyer replies, ”He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”
The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him, Where’s the money?“
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”
Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s temple and says, “Ask him again!”
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”
Guido signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”
The lawyer replies, ”He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”
Rapira Swedish Supersteel
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Re: Joke of the Day
Awesome!
Gary
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Re: Joke of the Day
That's a good one, Russ!
- Murray
- Murray