Joke of the Day

[ThePossum]

A lady walks onto the office of the local newspaper to post a death notice for her recently deceased husband. She hands the clerk a piece of paper on which she has written the notice, "Larry Justin Brown died today." The clerk reads the notice and advises the woman that the minimum charge for such a notice is $5 for ten words and suggests she might want to re-write the death notice. She re-writes the death notice, "Larry Justin Brown died today; golf clubs for sale."

My wife works as a receptionist at a local weekly newspaper so she enjoyed this joke immensely.

[JRTASTER]

Definition of ambivalence:
watching you mother-in law drive off a 2000' cliff....
in your new Mercedes!

[GA Russell]

I came across this list of observations. I've deleted the ones that weren't much.

Thoughts To Ponder

4. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

5. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

6. If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

7. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

12. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of it's nose?

13. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

14. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

16. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

17. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

[GA Russell]

According to a recent survey, men say that the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes.

And women say that the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

[Squire]

Fund the survey and I can prove whatever you want.

[Rufus]

Figures lie and liars figure.

[GA Russell]

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”

Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”

“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.

“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there”, answers Tom.

“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.

“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was busy?”

“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”.

“What if that had been vandalized?”

“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo”.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”

“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”

*****

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. "No hablo ingles."

[GA Russell]

Women aren't so hard to understand. They all just want to hear those three little words, "I was wrong."

[brothers]

Speaking of 3 little words, the ones I hear most often from my better half are "I told you".

[GA Russell]

Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108K, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a new Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

[GA Russell]

If you want to know how old a woman is, just ask her sister-in-law.

[GA Russell]

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[GA Russell]

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anybody?

[brothers]

This happened just a few days ago. We had an ice storm and our daughter called to say she'd received a mass email from her college with an announcement. It said "due to hazardous conditions, campus will open for classes tomorrow morning at (time). She understood that the person sending the email forgot to insert the time, so she waited a few moments and sure enough, a second email appeared, this time it said "correction - severe weather alert! Take shelter immediately!" She then realized the sender was obviously slightly inept, and she waited a few more moments, and the third announcement came through, this time, it said "due to hazardous weather conditions, campus will open for classes tomorrow morning at (time) ". That's when she called me, laughing so hard she could hardly speak, and in turn I also was laughing so hard I couldn't catch my breath. A few hours later, they finally got it right on the fourth try. Sounds exactly like something I've probably done more times than I care to admit!

[maskaggs]

This happened just a few days ago. We had an ice storm and our daughter called to say she'd received a mass email from her college with an announcement. It said "due to hazardous conditions, campus will open for classes tomorrow morning at (time). She understood that the person sending the email forgot to insert the time, so she waited a few moments and sure enough, a second email appeared, this time it said "correction - severe weather alert! Take shelter immediately!" She then realized the sender was obviously slightly inept, and she waited a few more moments, and the third announcement came through, this time, it said "due to hazardous weather conditions, campus will open for classes tomorrow morning at (time) ". That's when she called me, laughing so hard she could hardly speak, and in turn I also was laughing so hard I couldn't catch my breath. A few hours later, they finally got it right on the fourth try. Sounds exactly like something I've probably done more times than I care to admit!

When I was at U. Louisville, the safety department sent out emails whenever a dangerous event had occurred on campus. Usually it was some sort of petty theft or, unfortunately, sexual assault. The emails, which would contain a warning to avoid that part of campus, would typically come 2-12 hours after the event

[GA Russell]

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.

[GA Russell]

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table and asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it,

And again she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.

She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business!

[GA Russell]

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”

The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”

The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”

The woman then gave the officer her license.

“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”

The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”

[Squire]

Keep 'em coming Russ.

[GA Russell]

Thanks Squire! I haven't seen a new one for a few days, so here is an oldie you might remember.

A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says, "Very bad when the drumming stops."

At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.

After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts, "What happens when the drumming stops?!!"

"Bass solo."