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Joke of the Day

Feel free to post anything unrelated to wet shaving or men's grooming (I.e. cars, watches, pens, leather goods. You know, the finer things of life).

Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Fri Mar 17, 2017 8:11 pm

Ramblings of a retired mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby ShadowsDad » Fri Mar 17, 2017 8:26 pm

Too funny!
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Squire » Sat Mar 18, 2017 9:04 am

Top notch Russ.
Regards,
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby brothers » Sat Mar 18, 2017 12:58 pm

Thank you for these practical ideas!
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Tue Mar 21, 2017 8:54 pm

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Tue Mar 28, 2017 7:58 pm

MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN:'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2017 models. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: '$390,000'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $2,950,000' for it.
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $2,800,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $150,000 if it's really a pretty good price.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby brothers » Sun Apr 02, 2017 3:12 pm

When I die, I want to go like Gramps, quiet in his sleep - Not screaming like the passengers riding in his car.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Tue Apr 04, 2017 3:37 pm

Gary, I had heard that one before, and it still makes me laugh!

*****

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said. "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Sat Apr 22, 2017 7:07 pm

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy. It just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day Grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Oh, my gosh", thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby ShadowsDad » Sat Apr 22, 2017 8:28 pm

=D> :D I didn't see that coming!
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Mon May 01, 2017 9:34 am

The detective was interviewing the man whose clothing shop had just been burglarized.

"It's bad," said the proprietor, "but it's not as bad as it could have been if he'd robbed me yesterday."

"Why is that?" the detective asked.

"Because today everything was on sale."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Thu May 04, 2017 10:21 pm

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

The wife replies, “The jerk had a paper route."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Wed May 10, 2017 1:35 am

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Sat May 13, 2017 9:49 am

A few observations on life

1. Children. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

3. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.

4. How is it one careless match can start a Forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

5. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

6. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby CMur12 » Sat May 13, 2017 12:51 pm

Those are good, Russ. I find the second one especially apt and clever.

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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Sun May 14, 2017 2:16 pm

Thanks guys!
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby ShadowsDad » Sun May 14, 2017 3:04 pm

GA R' just because we don't always acknowledge them doesn't mean we don't laugh about them. Keep 'em coming!
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Fri May 19, 2017 3:26 pm

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"

The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."

The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"

"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."

The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.

"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.

The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."

The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Tue May 23, 2017 3:01 pm

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he decides to test this theory. He convenes all the couples he can find at a special seminar.

He then starts by asking the many people in the audience. “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely.

“Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant.

"How many of you make love once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. No grins could be sighted.

Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” To his shock, one man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands and whistling.

The therapist is shocked—this man's reaction completely disproves his theory! “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man yells, “Today’s the day!”
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Wed Jun 14, 2017 8:17 pm

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts. "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly."

To which he replies, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have a Westinghouse logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then, would you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're a mess and a real hazard."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have a Black and Decker logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

He continued, "In fact, I've had enough of all your nagging. I'm going to the bar!"

So, the husband goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about his treatment of his wife, so he decides to return home and help out with the chores.

As he walks into the house, he notices the steps have been repaired. Then, as he enters the house, he notices the hall light is working again. And, to top it off, when he goes to get a beer from the fridge, he notices the fridge door has been fixed.

"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

His wife replies, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either have sex with him or bake him a cake."

"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" asks the husband.

"Hellooooooo!" she replies emphatically. "Do you see a Betty Crocker logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!
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