Joke of the Day

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ichabod
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ichabod » Mon Nov 20, 2017 8:58 am

GA Russell wrote:If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
Okay, I'm gonna be that guy.

Evolution does not state that man evolved from apes, but that man and apes share a common ancestor. Much like rhinos and horses.


Carry on. . . :D
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by brothers » Mon Nov 20, 2017 2:04 pm

So it was more of an instant occurrence, two ancestors had a baby, but when it was born, it was a guy just like me and a bunch of other guys. Then another couple of ancestors had a baby and when it was born it was a lady. Then when those two offspring got together and had a baby, it was the first pure blood human. :D
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ShadowsDad » Sat Jan 13, 2018 11:07 pm

ROTFLMAO!
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ThePossum » Mon Jan 29, 2018 7:08 pm

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!" - Henny Youngman
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by NickP68 » Tue Feb 06, 2018 3:10 am

This man was really lonely, so he posted an ad on a popular website. The ad said, simply: "Wife wanted."

He was surprised the next morning to find he had over a hundred replies in his inbox. Unfortunately, they all said the same thing: "You can have mine." #-o

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by brothers » Thu Feb 08, 2018 6:49 pm

Over a hundred women? Surely he will be able to find at least one that he likes .... ?
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Wed Feb 14, 2018 9:35 pm

A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai and gets close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord, “God, what does a million years mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “A minute.”

The man then asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “A penny.”

Then he asks,”Can I have a penny?”

The Lord replies, “In a minute.”
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Thu Feb 15, 2018 3:09 pm

A man visits a friend recovering from flu, who says it's been a happy and wonderful experience.

"How so?"

"I've found out how much my wife loves me. She's been so pleased to have me home."

"How do you know?"

"Well, every time the mailman, the milkman or the garbage man comes by, she runs out shouting 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ShadowsDad » Thu Feb 15, 2018 3:52 pm

Yeah, that would be a sure sign! LMAO!
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Mon Feb 19, 2018 8:32 pm

Thoughts To Ponder

They make bullet proof vests, why not bullet proof pants?

Is there any difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?

How does one know when their bagpipes need tuning?

Allstate Insurance has a disclaimer that reads: not available in all states. What?

Is it really possible to change the direction of a bowling ball by waving your hands?

There's senior citizens, so why aren't there junior citizens?

They say laughter is the best medicine. So who came up with the phrase, "I died laughing"?
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Tue Feb 20, 2018 5:39 pm

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.

Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

Little Johnny thought to himself that there was quite a large number of horses at this zoo. He wondered where all the other animals were, but was still happy to see the horses.

“So how was it?” his mother asked when they returned home.

“Great,” Little Johnny replied.

“Did you and your father have a good time?” asked his mother.

“Yeah, Daddy especially liked it,” exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!”
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by brothers » Tue Feb 20, 2018 9:05 pm

Russ, good ones!

PS: I have no clue what this one means. :oops:
Is it really possible to change the direction of a bowling ball by waving your hands?
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by CMur12 » Tue Feb 20, 2018 10:35 pm

brothers wrote:
Tue Feb 20, 2018 9:05 pm
Russ, good ones!

PS: I have no clue what this one means. :oops:
Is it really possible to change the direction of a bowling ball by waving your hands?
It means that in your case, Gary, the answer is no. 8)

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by brothers » Wed Feb 21, 2018 1:30 pm

LOL! :D :D :D

How did you guess, Murray!
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Thu Feb 22, 2018 6:23 pm

I have saved up a bunch, and I am going to try to post one each evening during the week, so that everyone gets a good chuckle to start his day the next morning.

*****

This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was roiling and no car went by.

The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop.

The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door – and only then realized that there’s nobody behind the wheel!

The car starts very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life.

He hasn’t come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are approaching a curve.

Gathering strength, he gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes into a bar, asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying, but wasn’t drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked in the same bar and one said to the other: “Look, Pepe, that’s the a$$hole that got in the car while we were pushing it!”
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ShadowsDad » Thu Feb 22, 2018 10:50 pm

I almost nose snorted my drink!
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Sun Feb 25, 2018 3:14 pm

Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door.

I have a confession to make. I have been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in a text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but I know that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest apology and forgive me. It won’t happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.

Regards, Alan.

NEIGHBOR’S RESPONSE*
Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, then grabbed his gun and shot his neighbor Alan dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink, and sat down on the sofa. Fred took out his phone where he saw a second message from Alan.

SECOND MESSAGE*
Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door, again.

Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect that you figured it out and noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” That’s today’s technology for you, hey?

Regards, Alan
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Wed Mar 07, 2018 8:57 pm

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.'

'My darling,' he replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Fri Mar 16, 2018 11:49 pm

Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources.

'When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.' - U.S. Marine Corps

'Aim towards the enemy.' - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal

'A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.' - Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' - U.S. Air Force manual

'Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo.' - Infantry Journal

'Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.' - USAF Ammo Troop

'Tracers work both ways.' - U.S. Army Ordnance

'Five-second fuses only last three seconds.' - Infantry Journal

'If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush.' - Infantry Journal

'No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.' - Unknown

'Any ship can be a minesweeper....once.' - Anon

'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.' - USAF Ammo Troop

'Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do.' - Unknown Marine Recruit

'Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.' - Infantry Journal

'Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.' - David Hackworth
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by brothers » Sat Mar 17, 2018 2:20 am

I venture to say I suspect each of these observations is the result of first hand experience!
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