Joke of the Day

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GA Russell
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Tue Nov 26, 2013 8:52 pm

A very intense, self-absorbed saxophone player is sitting at the bar after playing all night. A beautiful woman shyly approaches him and says, "Excuse me, I hate to intrude, but I just have to tell you that I saw you play tonight. I have never been so deeply affected by music before. It's like it woke up my mind and my heart. It also woke me up as a woman. Your music touched me so deeply that I just want to take you home with me and make mad passionate love to you all night long."

The saxophone player stares at her for a moment and asks, "Did you see the first set or the second set?"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by maskaggs » Thu Nov 28, 2013 11:51 pm

An old one, this version from the John Paul II days...

Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Colin's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Clinton spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.

Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the heck's that on the balcony with Colin?"
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Mike

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GA Russell
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Fri Nov 29, 2013 11:05 am

Mike, what a classic!
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Fri Nov 29, 2013 3:16 pm

You don't have to be in shape to bowl. It's the only sport where there's a way to signal for a cocktail waitress.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Sun Dec 01, 2013 8:24 pm

I guess us guys' lives are less stressful than women's. For one thing, what we're wearing now will be in style for the rest of our lives.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Wed Dec 04, 2013 12:40 am

I just did my taxes, and I'm getting back $150,000.00. And people say you can't do your own taxes.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Squire » Wed Dec 04, 2013 6:10 am

Keep your lawyer's phone number handy.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Tue Dec 10, 2013 9:39 pm

I decided to get a new truck. I didn't want to be too trendy so I got a used UPS truck.

Laugh, but I can park it anywhere. Worldwide.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by rsp1202 » Wed Dec 11, 2013 9:30 am

Check out the Civil War on social media, here:
http://libertarianandy.tumblr.com/post/69464476030
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Chaps » Wed Dec 11, 2013 9:22 pm

As a preacher, everyone expects me to know a lot of jokes, so here goes...

Three potential preachers were looking to pastor the same church so the pulpit committee told all three to come to the church to speak with the committee and they were to bring their wives along.

After speaking to all three potential pastors, the pulpit committee had them wait out in the lobby while they discussed the matter.

After conversing among themselves, the committee chairman came out and addressed the potential pastors and their wives.

To the first potential pastor, the chairman said, "After much discussion, we cannot call you as our pastor because we believe you have a strong desire to drink or else you wouldn't have married a woman named Sherry."

To the second potential pastor, the chairman said, "After much discussion, we cannot call you as our pastor because we believe you have a strong desire for greed or else you wouldn't have married a woman named Penny."

About that time, the third potential pastor turned to his wife and said, " Well, Fanny, you and I should just leave."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Squire » Wed Dec 11, 2013 10:49 pm

I've sat on enough Church committees to get the full impact of that one.
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Squire

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Fri Dec 13, 2013 6:49 pm

You know what a hungry vegetarian says? "I'm so hungry I could eat a tree."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Squire » Fri Dec 13, 2013 7:42 pm

Vegetarian is an old Indian word that means lousy hunter.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by JRTASTER » Fri Dec 13, 2013 9:33 pm

A married couple is working in their garden.
The husband is bending over a small plant when his wife suddenly gives him a violent kick to his butt.
"Wow, what was that for?" he demanded.
"That's for being such a lousy lover," she says.
As she bends over to pick up a garden tool, her husband kicks her rear.
"That," he said, "is for knowing the difference!"
Enjoying wet shaving, again.
jr/John

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Sat Jan 04, 2014 7:10 pm

There's a new contraceptive patch for women. It's three inches in diameter and reads, "Get off me."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Sun Jan 19, 2014 2:36 pm

One good reason to maintain only a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who knew the victim.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by brothers » Sun Jan 19, 2014 2:49 pm

My wife told me this one. It seems the city streets were heavily snowed, and the snow kept coming, so the city made periodic announcements to tell residents which side of the street to park and on which day the plows were coming to clear the street. So every time, the woman made sure her car was on the correct side of the street. Then one day, several days later, it was time for more plowing, but something distracted her and she missed hearing which side she was supposed to park on. She mentioned this to her husband, and he said "why not just leave the car in the garage this time?"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by JRTASTER » Sun Jan 19, 2014 3:57 pm

Two guys at a nudist colony admiring the voluptuous curves on an attractive blonde.
One turns to the other and exclaims: "{Wow, can you imagine her in a tight sweater?"
Enjoying wet shaving, again.
jr/John

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ThePossum » Tue Jan 21, 2014 4:05 am

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Squire » Tue Jan 21, 2014 12:59 pm

That's funny Bryce.
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Squire

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