SMF

Thanks for the latest additions, Russ! Here is one I found on another forum, about Norwegians and cold weather, that I thought was amusing.

- Murray


+15°C / 59°F
This is as warm as it gets in Norway, so we'll start here.
People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves.
The Norwegians are out in the sun, getting a tan.

+10°C / 50°F
The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
The Norwegians plant flowers in their gardens.

+5°C / 41°F
Italian cars won't start.
The Norwegians are cruising in cabriolets.

0°C / 32°F
Distilled water freezes.
The water in the Oslo Fjord gets a little thicker.

-5°C / 23°F
People in California almost freeze to death.
The Norwegians have their final barbecue before winter.

-10°C / 14°F
The Brits start the heat in their houses.
The Norwegians start using long sleeves.

-20°C / -4°F
The Aussies flee from Mallorca.
The Norwegians end their Midsummer celebrations.
Autumn is here!

-30°C / -22°F
People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth.
The Norwegians start drying their laundry indoors.

-40°C / -40°F
Paris start cracking in the cold.
The Norwegians stand in line at the hotdog stands.

-50°C / -58°F
Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole.
The Norwegian army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.

-70°C / -94°F
The false Santa moves south.
The Norwegian army goes out on winter survival training.

-183°C / -297.4°F
Microbes in food don't survive.
The Norwegian cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.

-273°C / -459.4°F
ALL atom-based movement halts.
The Norwegians start saying "Faen, it's cold outside today."

That's great, Murray!

This one seems familiar. Maybe it was posted here before.

*****

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some stout, when one turns to the other and says, "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him."

So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!"

The second man turns around and says, "Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?"

"I'm from Dublin," came the reply.

"Me too! What street do you live on?"

"McCarthy street."

The second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?"

"162," the first man replies.

"Me too! What are your parents names?"

"Connor and Shannon."

The second man, almost dumbfounded says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"

So, they buy some more stout and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks, "What's new today?"

"Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again though."

Pizza is like sex. It's always good, unless it burns your mouth and then adds insult to injury by calling you nine months later saying, "Hey, you have to give me money for the next 18 years because we forgot to use a napkin."

I've been flying all week, it's been hectic. Yesterday I showed up with 3 bags, told the guy at the airport I want this one to go to Miami, this one to go to New York, and this one to go to Toronto. He said, we can't do that! I said, well, you did it last week!

I came out of a deli yesterday and a panhandler came up to me and said, I haven't eaten in 2 days. I said, you should force yourself!

I know a guy who is a great doctor. He told a patient he had 6 months, asked him when he's going to pay the bill. He says I can't pay. The doctor gave him another 6 months.

Guy goes to the same doctor, said doctor I've been having trouble with my love life, what do I do? Doctor says run 10 miles a day, lose a lot of weight. So the guy runs 10 miles a day, 2 weeks goes by, he calls and says hey doctor I've been running 10 miles a day, lost a lot of weight. Doctor says hows your love life? The guy says, I don't know, I'm 140 miles away from home.

I was in a bar a few days ago, sitting at the bar, and a guy at the other end of the bar fell off the stool. I helped him up, and the bartender says, hey, I know this guy, I know where he lives, would you put him in your car and take him home? I said sure, took the guy out to the car, he fell over in the back seat. Got to his house, got him out of the car and he fell 3 more times getting to the front door. Holding him up, I knocked on the door, the lady answered, and I said, Mrs. Jackson, I brought your husband home. She said, where's his wheelchair?

Funny stuff, Gary. Thank for the laughs.

Gary, I love these! They remind me of an old favorite of mine, Henny Youngman.

I'm not surprised, since they are indeed from Mr. Youngman, one of the best stand-up comedians of all time.

I miss the old time comedians. Red Skelton was particularly funny too, and very good human being.

I liked Red Skelton, too.

Jack Benny was another favorite. Apparently, he was a very good violinist, even though he did such a poor job of it, intentionally, in his act. I remember on one of his shows a boy told him that he played the violin, too. Mr Benny asked him he he played as well as he (Jack Benny) did. The boy replied, "I used to."

- Murray

That's funny! Yes, he was a very accomplished violinist.

My favorite clip of Henny is on this roast . Fast forward to "12:50" mark...Henny couldn't roast, Henny couldn't do anything except one liners, which really drove Uncle Miltie nuts https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYFPGYljeOk&t=1044s

An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary.

He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."

His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, when he came home, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"

This one's for Squire!

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.

When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

Yeah, I know I’m ugly. I said to the bartender, “Make me a zombie.” He said, “God beat me to it.”

…

Well, Russ and Gary, those were pretty good!

- Murray

Ha!

I bought a thesaurus and when I got it home all of the pages were blank. I had no words to express my anger!

That's great, Brian! As Steven Wright used to say, ""What's another word for thesaurus"?

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."