Page 28 of 43

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Sat Mar 17, 2018 5:33 am
by ShadowsDad
There's a great deal of truth in them. They are so obvious but still need to be said.

About Mr. Grenade... you wouldn't believe the number of troops who pull the pin and for some reason handle it incorrectly; drop it, don't throw it far enough, whatever. That's why in training there is a deep hole to get into. If I remember correctly one has 6 seconds to get to a safe place. Go to youtube and do a search for grenade bloopers. There are some real idiots "out there".

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2018 10:06 pm
by GA Russell
A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “What was that?”

The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”

The girl slapped him soundly.

“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.

“Customer feedback.”

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2018 12:15 am
by GA Russell
The chairman of the board of our company called me into his office to tell me the good news. I was being promoted to Vice President of Corporate Research and Planning.

Of course, I was excited, but that didn't stop me from asking for my new title to be changed to Vice President of Corporate Planning and Research.

'Why?' asked the chairman.

'Because,' I said, 'our organization uses abbreviated job titles, and I don't want be known as VP of CRAP.'

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2018 11:49 pm
by GA Russell
Today I opened a new email account. I always use the same password: “cabbage”. It’s easy to remember. But it seems the computer had other plans…

Please enter your new password:
“cabbage”

Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
“boiled cabbage”

Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
“1 boiled cabbage”

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
“50bloodyboiledcabbages”

Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
“50BLOODYboiledcabbages”

Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
“50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessnow”

Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
“ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessnow”

Sorry, that password is already in use.

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Sat Apr 28, 2018 6:22 am
by brothers
LOL! :) Funny but very close to the truth!

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Sat Apr 28, 2018 1:22 pm
by ShadowsDad
ROTFLMAO!

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Fri May 11, 2018 9:29 pm
by GA Russell
This man goes to confession and says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins, and the man replies that he used the “F-word” over the weekend.

The priest says, “Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language.”

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the “F-word”.

The priest sighs and tells him to continue. "Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church."

The priest says, “And you got upset over that and swore?”

The man replied, “No, that wasn’t why I swore. On the first tee I hooked my drive well left into the trees.”

The priest said, “And that’s when you swore.”

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, “No, it wasn’t. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree.”

The priest asked, “Is that when you said the ‘F-word’?”

The man replied, “No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away.”

The priest let out a breath and queried, “Is that when you swore?”

The man replied, “No, because the eagle flew over the green, and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball, and it landed within 5 inches of the hole.”

The priest screamed, “Don’t tell me you missed the f…ing putt!”

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Fri May 11, 2018 9:35 pm
by GA Russell
I notice that my join date was April 12, 2008. Ten years has gone by fast!

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Fri May 11, 2018 11:03 pm
by CMur12
GA Russell wrote: Fri May 11, 2018 9:35 pm I notice that my join date was April 12, 2008. Ten years has gone by fast!
A noteworthy milestone to be sure, Russ. Congratulations!

- Murray

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Sat May 12, 2018 2:35 pm
by brothers
I like that joke!

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Sun Jun 10, 2018 7:50 pm
by GA Russell
CMur12 wrote: Fri May 11, 2018 11:03 pm
GA Russell wrote: Fri May 11, 2018 9:35 pm I notice that my join date was April 12, 2008. Ten years has gone by fast!
A noteworthy milestone to be sure, Russ. Congratulations!

- Murray
Thanks Murray!

*****

A widow visited a spiritualistic medium, who satisfactorily produced the deceased husband for a domestic chat.

"Dear John," the widow questioned eagerly, "are you happy now?"

"I am very happy," the spook assured her.

"Happier than you were on earth with me?" the widow continued, greatly impressed.

"Yes," John asserted, "I am far happier now than I was on earth with you."

"Oh, do tell me, John," the widow cried rapturously, "what is it like in heaven?"

"Heaven!" the answer snapped. "I ain't in heaven!"

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2018 3:56 pm
by GA Russell
Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little Johnny's mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it.

As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food-drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny's mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli."

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2018 3:37 pm
by GA Russell
An angry wife to her husband on phone: "Where the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewelery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said, 'Baby it'll be yours one day'?"

Wife, with a smile and blushing: "Yeah I remember that my love!"

Husband: "I'm in the pub just next to that shop."

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2018 4:03 pm
by brothers
I'm one of those passengers who arrives at the airport five or six hours early so I can throw back a few drinks and muster up the courage to board the plane. Apparently I'm not alone because I've never been in an empty airport bar. I don't care what time you get there. Even at 8:00 a.m. you have to fight your way to the bar. At that hour, everyone drinks Bloody Marys so no one can tell it's booze- at least until they fall off their chair.

Bob Newhart

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2018 1:44 pm
by brothers
I was the best man to a wedding one time, that was pretty good. Pretty good title, I thought, best man. I thought it was a bit much. I thought we'd have the groom and a pretty good man. That's more than enough. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
Jerry Seinfeld

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:04 pm
by brothers
Dear microwave: How come my plate is boiling hot and my food is still cold?
Eddie Murphy

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2018 8:05 pm
by brothers
My local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs.
Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years.
I had no idea he was a barber. :shock:

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2018 6:48 pm
by GA Russell
Hi guys! A buddy of mine has been on his deathbed, and I've been sending my jokes to him. Now that he's gone, I'll plan to park here again. Have I missed anything? You can PM me, LOL!!

*****

One day, finding a wasp had entered the house, a wife shouted to her husband, "There's a wasp in here. Do we have any spray?"

He told her there was a can under the sink.

"Honey," she called. "This is ant and roach spray."

"Well," her husband replied, "don't show him the label."

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Wed Dec 05, 2018 3:12 pm
by brothers
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 6:51 pm
by brothers
Items I noticed on a recent cross-country tour: Ad in a Louisville newspaper: “for sale cheap - my son's collection of bebop and rock and roll records. If a 14-year-old's voice answers the phone, hang up and call later”.

A sign on a runway at the Great Lakes naval station: “Absolutely no flying permitted over nudist camp 6.4 miles SSW on a true course of 167 degrees.”

Item in an Indianapolis newspaper: “Miss Jan Carr was overcome by gas while taking a bath. She owes her life to the watchfulness of the janitor in her apartment.”

Ad in classified column of a University of Cincinnati medical journal: “Will the person who stole the jar of alcohol from Room 303 kindly return my uncle's appendix? No questions asked.”

Shelley Berman