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Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Sat Mar 17, 2018 5:33 am
by ShadowsDad
There's a great deal of truth in them. They are so obvious but still need to be said.

About Mr. Grenade... you wouldn't believe the number of troops who pull the pin and for some reason handle it incorrectly; drop it, don't throw it far enough, whatever. That's why in training there is a deep hole to get into. If I remember correctly one has 6 seconds to get to a safe place. Go to youtube and do a search for grenade bloopers. There are some real idiots "out there".

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2018 10:06 pm
by GA Russell
A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “What was that?”

The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”

The girl slapped him soundly.

“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.

“Customer feedback.”

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2018 12:15 am
by GA Russell
The chairman of the board of our company called me into his office to tell me the good news. I was being promoted to Vice President of Corporate Research and Planning.

Of course, I was excited, but that didn't stop me from asking for my new title to be changed to Vice President of Corporate Planning and Research.

'Why?' asked the chairman.

'Because,' I said, 'our organization uses abbreviated job titles, and I don't want be known as VP of CRAP.'

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2018 11:49 pm
by GA Russell
Today I opened a new email account. I always use the same password: “cabbage”. It’s easy to remember. But it seems the computer had other plans…

Please enter your new password:
“cabbage”

Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
“boiled cabbage”

Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
“1 boiled cabbage”

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
“50bloodyboiledcabbages”

Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
“50BLOODYboiledcabbages”

Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
“50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessnow”

Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
“ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessnow”

Sorry, that password is already in use.

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Sat Apr 28, 2018 6:22 am
by brothers
LOL! :) Funny but very close to the truth!

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Sat Apr 28, 2018 1:22 pm
by ShadowsDad
ROTFLMAO!

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Fri May 11, 2018 9:29 pm
by GA Russell
This man goes to confession and says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins, and the man replies that he used the “F-word” over the weekend.

The priest says, “Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language.”

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the “F-word”.

The priest sighs and tells him to continue. "Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church."

The priest says, “And you got upset over that and swore?”

The man replied, “No, that wasn’t why I swore. On the first tee I hooked my drive well left into the trees.”

The priest said, “And that’s when you swore.”

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, “No, it wasn’t. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree.”

The priest asked, “Is that when you said the ‘F-word’?”

The man replied, “No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away.”

The priest let out a breath and queried, “Is that when you swore?”

The man replied, “No, because the eagle flew over the green, and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball, and it landed within 5 inches of the hole.”

The priest screamed, “Don’t tell me you missed the f…ing putt!”

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Fri May 11, 2018 9:35 pm
by GA Russell
I notice that my join date was April 12, 2008. Ten years has gone by fast!

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Fri May 11, 2018 11:03 pm
by CMur12
GA Russell wrote:
Fri May 11, 2018 9:35 pm
I notice that my join date was April 12, 2008. Ten years has gone by fast!
A noteworthy milestone to be sure, Russ. Congratulations!

- Murray

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Sat May 12, 2018 2:35 pm
by brothers
I like that joke!

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Sun Jun 10, 2018 7:50 pm
by GA Russell
CMur12 wrote:
Fri May 11, 2018 11:03 pm
GA Russell wrote:
Fri May 11, 2018 9:35 pm
I notice that my join date was April 12, 2008. Ten years has gone by fast!
A noteworthy milestone to be sure, Russ. Congratulations!

- Murray
Thanks Murray!

*****

A widow visited a spiritualistic medium, who satisfactorily produced the deceased husband for a domestic chat.

"Dear John," the widow questioned eagerly, "are you happy now?"

"I am very happy," the spook assured her.

"Happier than you were on earth with me?" the widow continued, greatly impressed.

"Yes," John asserted, "I am far happier now than I was on earth with you."

"Oh, do tell me, John," the widow cried rapturously, "what is it like in heaven?"

"Heaven!" the answer snapped. "I ain't in heaven!"

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2018 3:56 pm
by GA Russell
Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little Johnny's mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it.

As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food-drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny's mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli."

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2018 3:37 pm
by GA Russell
An angry wife to her husband on phone: "Where the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewelery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said, 'Baby it'll be yours one day'?"

Wife, with a smile and blushing: "Yeah I remember that my love!"

Husband: "I'm in the pub just next to that shop."