Joke of the Day

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GA Russell
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Mon Feb 18, 2019 1:44 pm

I wouldn't know, Murray. I was a little angel!!!

*****

Points to Ponder

1. Can you cry under water?

2. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

3. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

4. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

5. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

6. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

7. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

8. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does she call?

9. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by brothers » Mon Feb 18, 2019 1:58 pm

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "what is this, some kind of a joke?"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Tue Feb 19, 2019 6:44 pm

A letter written in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to "God".

A postal employee, not knowing exactly what to do with the letter, opened it and read: "Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am 6 years old. My father is dead, and my Mom is having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you please send us $500?"

The postal employee was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers, and all decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. They were able to raise $300.

A couple of weeks later the same post office received a second letter addressed to God. The boy thanked God for the recent infusion of cash, but ended with this request: "Next time would you send the money directly to us? If you send it through the post office they deduct $200."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Wed Feb 20, 2019 11:22 am

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.

They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by CMur12 » Wed Feb 20, 2019 12:08 pm

GA Russell wrote:
Tue Feb 19, 2019 6:44 pm
A letter written in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to "God".

A postal employee, not knowing exactly what to do with the letter, opened it and read: "Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am 6 years old. My father is dead, and my Mom is having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you please send us $500?"

The postal employee was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers, and all decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. They were able to raise $300.

A couple of weeks later the same post office received a second letter addressed to God. The boy thanked God for the recent infusion of cash, but ended with this request: "Next time would you send the money directly to us? If you send it through the post office they deduct $200."
Russ, it's interesting how some jokes circulate. I heard a variation of this joke 30 years ago in Portugal. Instead of postal employees, it was about the then-deceased dictator, Salazar. I also heard jokes in Brazil and the US that shared a basic premise and were adapted to local circumstances.

- Murray
Give me Soap or give me death!

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Thu Feb 21, 2019 12:50 am

Murray, I remember Salazar. Was the Portuguese joke that the letter was written to him?

*****

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"

The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.

The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Thu Feb 21, 2019 9:48 pm

A Father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," he replies.

To this his friend responds, "Strange ambition to have for a career."

"Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by CMur12 » Fri Feb 22, 2019 12:43 am

Russ, in the Portuguese Salazar joke, the letter was written to God, but directed to Salazar by the postal service. Salazar, pleased to be addressed as God, compensated the writer with a payment, but not as much as requested. Then he signed the reply letter with his own name. A second letter from the same individual thanked God for the money, but asked that he not direct it through that thief Salazar, as he stole half of the money!

- Murray
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by brothers » Fri Feb 22, 2019 11:12 am

A traveling salesman was out late at night after calling on a customer in unfamiliar territory. He spots a roadside bar and grill and decides to stop in. He has a few drinks at the bar and a big, strapping bartender comes over tho talk to him. After some friendly conversation the salesman says to the bartender; want to hear a real good (location) joke? The bartender reply's indignantly that "this is (location) and I'm a proud native". The salesman reply's: "that's OK, I'll tell it real slow so you can understand it". The salesman hasn't been heard from since.
(Note: I don't know where it was, but I must be from that location because I don't understand much of anything anymore, and I'm always asking people to repeat whatever they said! I'm frequently using the "back" button on the remote! :? )
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Sat Feb 23, 2019 1:19 pm

Murray, I think the joke is funnier the Salazar way!

I may have posted this one before.

*****

A little boy was sitting outside a store eating one Snickers candy bar after another, when an older man walked up and said: "You shouldn't be eating so much candy. It'll rot your teeth. It's just bad for you to eat so much candy."

The little boy looked up and said: "My grandfather lived to be 95 years old."

The older man asked: "Oh? by eating Snickers candy bars?"

The little boy said: "No... by minding his own business."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Sun Feb 24, 2019 5:53 pm

When my wife and I decided to get married we'd been going out for a few years. We really loved each other and we wanted everything to be perfect... and pretty much everything was, except that one thing had been bothering me. Her sister was a babe, and many times when I visited, she would flirt with me, bending over in front of me, things I didn't want to acknowledge.

Well a couple of nights before the wedding, she called me over to help her with some boxes. She was moving out of her apartment. When I arrived, I found her alone on the couch wearing decidedly little. I was shocked, and she explained to me that she'd always wanted me, and that it was her final opportunity, as these were my last few days as a bachelor. Well, I didn't know what to do. She told me she would go upstairs and wait, and if I wanted to, I could follow her; but if I didn't, I could just leave.

I waited for a moment and then went outside only to find her dad almost in tears with joy saying he knew now that I was really the right man, and that I had his blessing to marry his daughter. This was a test to see just how loyal I was!

Moral of the story: Always leave your condoms in the car.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ShadowsDad » Sun Feb 24, 2019 10:12 pm

ROTFLMAO! Yeah, that'd be the moral of the story! :D
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Wed Feb 27, 2019 8:42 pm

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife... She ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over... Women like that are hard to find."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ShadowsDad » Wed Feb 27, 2019 9:54 pm

Now that joke is a gem! That was a gut buster!
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Fri Mar 01, 2019 12:41 am

I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay with the current job.

He asked, Which companies?

I told him gas, electric, and cable.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Sat Mar 02, 2019 11:09 pm

Rene Descartes ordered a drink in a bar.

When he was finished the bartender asked him if he'd like another.

Descartes responded, "I think not." And he disappeared.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by CMur12 » Sat Mar 02, 2019 11:48 pm

GA Russell wrote:
Sat Mar 02, 2019 11:09 pm
Rene Descartes ordered a drink in a bar.

When he was finished the bartender asked him if he'd like another.

Descartes responded, "I think not." And he disappeared.
That's a clever one, Russ. 8)

- Murray
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ShadowsDad » Sun Mar 03, 2019 7:38 am

I had to explain the last 2 jokes to my wife. I thought they were good.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by brothers » Sun Mar 03, 2019 10:23 am

A proton and a neutron walk into a bar and look around. The neutron nervously asks, "Do you think they'll serve our kind here?"

The proton says, "I'm positive."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Sun Mar 03, 2019 6:27 pm

A fellow goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The dealer sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it would cut through 100 trees in one day.

The fellow takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After working for 3 hours he only cut 2 trees. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two trees?" he asks himself.

The next morning he gets up at 4 am and cuts until bedtime, but still only manages to cut five trees.

The very next day the fellow brings the chainsaw back to the store and says the saw doesn't work properly.

"Hmm, it looks okay," says the dealer, and starts the chainsaw.

The fellow jumps back, startled, and cries, "What's that noise?"
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