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Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Sun May 19, 2019 6:50 pm
by GA Russell
It's been a while since I've seen one worth posting.

*****

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people are trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand, I knelt down, and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What did he say?"

"He said: 'Where did you get the shitty hairdo?'"

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Sun May 19, 2019 8:26 pm
by CMur12
That's a good one, Russ.

- Murray

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Wed May 22, 2019 11:04 pm
by slackskin
This reminds me of the one about the two streetwalkers Jan and Fran, who had known each other for years. Coincidentally, they were going on summer vacation at the same time. After they return from their vacations, the friends meet for coffee.

Jan asks Fran where she went on vacation. Fran replies that she took an extensive European tour that visited all the principal capitals and Jan replies "that's fantastic." Fran continues to say she went to the Ardennes Forest in northern France and Jan replies "that's fantastic." Fran concludes by saying she also visited the Norwegian Fjords and Jan replies "that's fantastic."

Changing the subject, Fran asks Jan where she went on vacation and Jan says "I went to charm school." Fran inquires what the school taught. Jan replies "they taught me to say 'that's fantastic' instead of 'that's bullshit.' "

You heard it here first.

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Fri May 24, 2019 8:06 am
by GA Russell
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.

Now,” he concluded, “which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Fri May 24, 2019 10:41 am
by ShadowsDad
I roared! Yup, that's the way they do it!

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Mon Jun 10, 2019 2:47 pm
by GA Russell
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Mon Jun 10, 2019 3:49 pm
by ShadowsDad
Thanx. I needed that today.

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Tue Jun 11, 2019 11:31 pm
by GA Russell
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him, and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill, and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well, and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. “Boss,” he said, “The pill actually worked!”

“That’s all fine” said the boss. “But where were you yesterday?”

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Fri Jun 14, 2019 6:53 pm
by GA Russell
So I walked into a this bar and heard two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent. I said, "So, are you two girls from Scotland?"

One of them said, "Wales, Idiot!"

So I said, "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that. So, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember.

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Wed Jun 19, 2019 2:58 pm
by brothers
I picked up a hitchhiker. Looked like a nice guy. We drove for a little while, and he said, thanks for picking me up, how do you know I'm not a serial killer? I said, oh, I'm not worried - what are the odds of having two serial killers in the car at the same time?

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Thu Jun 20, 2019 1:27 pm
by kronos9
Now that's funny!

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Thu Jun 20, 2019 3:49 pm
by ShadowsDad
Yeah it is!

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Fri Jun 21, 2019 4:00 pm
by brothers
Last night I was walking home and decided to take a short cut past the cemetery - 3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were really scared to walk past the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them "I understand - I used to be freaked out too when I was alive..."
Never have seen anyone run that fast!!! :lol:

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Sat Jun 22, 2019 12:07 am
by GA Russell
Gary, both of those are classics!

*****

A tourist in Florida was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," he replied.

"I suppose," she said, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Tue Jun 25, 2019 11:46 am
by GA Russell
This one seems familiar. Maybe it's been posted before.

*****

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.

“Logan, wait until we say our prayer,” his mother reminded him.

“I don’t have to,” the little boy replied.

“Of course you do,” his mother insisted, “we say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” Logan explained, “but this is Grandma’s house, and she knows how to cook.”

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Tue Jun 25, 2019 8:19 pm
by CMur12
That's a good one, Russ. I don't remember seeing it before, myself.

- Murray

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2019 5:26 am
by brothers
I like that one a lot, Russ.

Speaking of recycling good jokes, I guess I'm luckier than most. I love a good joke, but can't seem to remember jokes for more than a few minutes anyway - (good or not) :D

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2019 5:51 am
by ShadowsDad
Gary, I'm the same way. Love 'em, but can't remember them even if it was to save my life.

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Thu Jun 27, 2019 10:51 pm
by GA Russell
Donna's husband Mike died suddenly one day. Donna was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Mike's obituary to read.

Donna asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?" The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word."

Donna then said, "I want the obituary to read - MIKE IS DEAD."

The undertaker was an old fishing buddy of Mike's, and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary. So he offered, "I'll make you a special deal since I knew Mike so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket."

Donna's face lit up, and she replied, "Great! I want it to read - MIKE IS DEAD, BOAT FOR SALE."

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Fri Jun 28, 2019 4:43 am
by brothers
Funny!
(PS, how much for the boat?)😎