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Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Sun Jun 30, 2019 9:08 am
by ShadowsDad
How do you milk sheep?
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Come out with a new Iphone and charge $1000 for it.

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Wed Jul 03, 2019 12:34 am
by GA Russell
This is another one that seems familiar. I'm glad you guys have short memories!

*****

An 8 year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take your daughter to work Day'.

As they walked around the office she started crying and getting cranky.

Her father asked what was wrong.

As the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Wed Jul 03, 2019 4:31 am
by fallingwickets
thanks a million for all the great jokes.......VERY much appreciated

clive

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Thu Jul 04, 2019 11:12 am
by ShadowsDad
ROTFLMAO!

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Thu Jul 04, 2019 12:17 pm
by brothers
Bring in the Clowns! Good one!

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Sun Jul 07, 2019 12:14 pm
by kronos9
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop."Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady."You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden.

It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.

Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!

Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Tue Jul 09, 2019 4:10 pm
by brothers
I apologize in advance if you've already seen or heard this one. Maybe you'll enjoy it. :D

You might need a new lawyer if:
1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
7. A prison guard is shaving your head.
8. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
10. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
11. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."
12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
14. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
15. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."
16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
17. He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/lawyerjokes/you ... njoke.html

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Thu Jul 11, 2019 2:58 pm
by GA Russell
Gary, you really hit the jackpot with that one!

*****

My mother is sixty, and her whole life she only slept with one guy. She won't tell me who.

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Wed Jul 17, 2019 5:15 pm
by brothers
Someone we know is vacationing in Scandinavia and messaged us with their progress. Here's a joke they passed on, and I'm sure most everyone's already heard it a hundred times, but here it is: Today we have completed actually living the joke. When you are trying to get to the bathroom you are Russian. When you are in the bathroom European. When you are done you are Finnish.

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Thu Jul 18, 2019 3:44 am
by fallingwickets
gary's on a roll :D :D :D

clive

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Thu Jul 18, 2019 8:52 am
by GA Russell
Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.

Client: Well, give me the bad news first.

Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene.

Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?

Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Mon Jul 29, 2019 3:09 pm
by GA Russell
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime. Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don’t you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel’s bigger?”

Johnny grins and says, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far I’ve made $20!

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Mon Jul 29, 2019 9:54 pm
by GA Russell
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-LB potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-LB potato sacks. Then try 50-LB potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-LB potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I 'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Wed Jul 31, 2019 4:22 am
by fallingwickets
and so far I’ve made $20!
:D :D

thumbs up on the funny

clive

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Wed Jul 31, 2019 7:14 am
by brothers
Wow, that's a lot of nickels! :lol:

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:42 pm
by GA Russell
A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about The Lord?"

A little voice came out of the box:

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Tue Aug 13, 2019 7:46 pm
by brothers
Now that made me laugh!

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Fri Aug 16, 2019 8:35 am
by GA Russell
I went to the zoo today.

There was only one animal. It was a dog. It was a shih tzu.

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Fri Aug 16, 2019 10:07 am
by brothers
Wry! I love it.

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Fri Aug 16, 2019 10:30 am
by ShadowsDad
My wife groaned. I thought it was funny.