SMF

Good one! Groaners can be the best.

My wife asked me if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.

Russ, you're a good man to offer to do such a kind act for your wife.

Happy Labor Day!

*****

Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself.

“When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?” asks St. Peter.

The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children.”

The last guy replies. “I would like to hear them say… LOOK!!! HE’S MOVING!!!!!”

LOL! Yeah, makes sense.

My local college just announced the end of a scientific study.

Results showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables.

We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.

"Tell me!? Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked.

The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.? Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."

"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn.? Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her.? Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"

The constable replied, ............"We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

Oh Jim, can one laugh and groan at the same time?

- Murray

One of the best ever!

That's made my day, Jim!

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard, and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.

During one Sunday’s sermon he told them, “If one more person confesses to adultery, I’ll quit!”

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: “fallen.” From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had “fallen.”

This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. “You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can’t believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!”

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said, “I don’t know why you’re laughing. Your wife fell three times last week!”

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I made love with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody!"

Big funny.

An elderly couple were driving across the country.

The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, “Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?”

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?”

The old man yells, “He says you were speeding!”

The patrolman says, “May I see your license?”

The woman turns to her husband and asks again, “What did he say?”

The old man yells, “He wants to see your license!”

The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”

The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

And the old man yells, “He said he knows you!”

Harsh.

Werner Heisenberg was driving a bit too fast, and the highway patrol pulled him over.
Officer: "Sir, we stopped you because you going exactly 135 kph. The limit here is 90."
Heisenberg: "I was? . . . Oh crap. Now I'm totally lost."

Probably some way he could compensate for that.