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Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Thu Sep 26, 2019 2:16 pm
by brothers
fundamental limit to the precision with which certain pairs of physical properties of a particle, known as complementary variables or canonically conjugate variables

Must be one of those jokes that take a few moments to soak in --- ](*,)

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Thu Sep 26, 2019 9:12 pm
by brothers
Jim Gaffigan on gifts: “I can’t believe we’re still giving clothing as a gift. Cause whenever you get clothing as a present, you always open it up and you think, ‘Not even close.’ And the person that gives it is always like, ‘You can take it back if you don’t like it.’ ‘That’s alright. I’ll just throw it out.’ "

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Fri Sep 27, 2019 5:29 am
by ShadowsDad
:D

Yeah, I give money and a picture of a (for instance) shirt. Let them buy what they want the first time.

I enjoyed the Heizenberg uncertainty principle joke, but it did take me few seconds. That's the best type of joke IMO.

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Wed Oct 02, 2019 7:19 pm
by John Rose
Q. What is grey and comes in red and white cans?
A. Campbell's Cream of Elephant Soup.

#-o That takes me back to the '60s.

It seems to have inspired somebody to repaint a water tower in Colorado Springs.
Image

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Fri Oct 04, 2019 10:15 pm
by GA Russell
Chap goes in to a bar and orders a vodka and coke. Barman serves him. Man drinks it orders another. This goes on for a while, until the chap begins to slow down.

Barman asks, "Is there anything the matter, sir?"

Chap replies, "I had an enormous argument with the wife. She said she won't speak to me for a month. I have to sleep on the sofa."

Barman says, "Best bet is to stop drinking, go home, and don't let this argument carry on passed the first night. Nip it in the bud."

Chap says, "You don't understand. This is the last night."

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Sun Oct 06, 2019 8:29 am
by fallingwickets
"You don't understand. This is the last night.
:D :D

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Thu Oct 10, 2019 10:39 am
by GA Russell
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the heck away from me!"

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Sun Oct 27, 2019 1:31 am
by GA Russell
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London. As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was, and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.

The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little old tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"

Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618.

"Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"

As they passed Westminster Abbey the cab driver was silent.

"Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan.

The driver replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Sun Oct 27, 2019 11:59 pm
by John Rose
GA Russell wrote:
Sun Oct 27, 2019 1:31 am
The driver replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
Image

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Mon Oct 28, 2019 11:53 am
by GA Russell
A six year old boy was at the courtroom when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents, and the judge awarded the custody to his aunt in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beats him just like his parents, and he refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he lived with the grandparents, the boy cried that they also beat him

Now learning that violence was apparently a way of life for the family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After conferring with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Manchester United whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Mon Oct 28, 2019 1:52 pm
by kronos9
Took a few seconds to get the reference. ;)

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Tue Oct 29, 2019 1:59 pm
by GA Russell
Ed, maybe I should have said the Ottawa Redblacks! The Toronto Argonauts have won four games this year, and three of them were against Ottawa.

*****

A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway.

Police have advised citizens to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals!

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Tue Nov 05, 2019 7:34 pm
by GA Russell
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Sat Nov 09, 2019 9:38 pm
by GA Russell
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table three objects:

a Bible, a silver dollar and a bottle of whiskey.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects! on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Mon Nov 11, 2019 9:07 pm
by brothers
:lol: - no comment!

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Tue Nov 12, 2019 8:51 pm
by Kyle76
An old Navy chief walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to
the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar
and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The old chief certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks,
"What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the chief gives the bartender $10
which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less,
and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.
You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex.
You have to take care of that problem."

The chief is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the chief has a few more drinks and finally says,
"Where's the tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.Tears stream
down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a
terrible fight -then, nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the chief surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Tue Nov 12, 2019 9:18 pm
by ShadowsDad
:lol:

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Wed Nov 13, 2019 3:38 pm
by CMur12
Well, Jim, that one caught me by surprise!

- Murray