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Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Sun Dec 01, 2019 11:51 pm
by GA Russell
I hope everyone enjoyed his Thanksgiving!

*****

Richard, a village doctor, was awakened at 4 a.m. to make a house call. He reluctantly got dressed and braved a snowstorm. After the examination, he told the patient to send immediately for his lawyer and relatives and friends and make a will.

When he got home, he told his wife what he had seen and done. His wife asked, "Was the patient really that bad?"

Richard said, "No, I just didn't want to be the only idiot called out on a night like this."

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Wed Dec 11, 2019 12:39 am
by GA Russell
The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again.

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Thu Dec 12, 2019 3:14 pm
by GA Russell
I have kleptomania. When it gets bad, I take something for it.

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Mon Dec 16, 2019 12:58 am
by John Rose
I had the urge to take up pole vaulting.
I got over it. :whistle:

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Sat Dec 21, 2019 9:35 pm
by GA Russell
Puns are always welcome, John!

Here's an oldie some here may remember.

*****

What did Lawrence Welk name his twin daughters?

Anna One, Anna Two.

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Sat Dec 28, 2019 12:03 pm
by GA Russell
I hope everyone enjoyed his Christmas!

*****

Basically, my wife was immature. I'd be home in the bath, and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2020 11:51 am
by fallingwickets
happy new year, gents.

couldnt resist:

I was in a bar the other night and

overheard three fat women
talking. Their accents appeared to
be Scottish, so l approached them
and asked, "Hello, ladies are you

from Scotland?" One of the
corrected me and said " It's Wales

you bloody idiot, Wales!" So I
apologized and replied, "I'm so
sorry. Are you three whales from
Scotland?" And that's the last thing
that I remember.

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2020 10:44 pm
by CMur12
Clive, I've heard that one - Russ might even have posted it before, but it's a good one and worth repeating!

- Murray

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Thu Jan 02, 2020 7:55 am
by brothers
I think one (specifically I) would be wise to think twice before sharing this one with females! [-o<

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Wed Jan 22, 2020 12:23 am
by GA Russell
This may have been posted before.

*****

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly Gates waiting for them.

'Come with me,' said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up,' said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all, I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Wed Jan 22, 2020 12:31 am
by CMur12
Russ, I heard a variation of that one, involving a priest, a rabbi, a protestant minister, and a taxi driver.

The punchline was, "That taxi driver scared the hell out of more people than all three of you combined!"

Thanks for posting your jokes.

- Murray

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Wed Jan 22, 2020 4:55 am
by fallingwickets
:D :D good stuff!!

clive

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Wed Jan 22, 2020 7:18 am
by ShadowsDad
When I'm the designated driver, I always say a little prayer aloud," Dear GOD, please let me die in my sleep the way old granddad did, and not screaming and shouting like his passengers.".

Anyway, that joke made me think of that.

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Thu Jan 30, 2020 10:51 am
by GA Russell
LOL Murray and Brian!

*****

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Tue Feb 11, 2020 2:50 pm
by GA Russell
Said the FBI agent to the bank teller after the bank was robbed for the third time by the same bandit: "Did you notice anything special about the man?"

"Yes, he seemed better dressed each time!"

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Wed Feb 12, 2020 5:03 am
by fallingwickets
:D :D

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Thu Feb 27, 2020 1:24 am
by GA Russell
The room was full of pregnant women and their husbands, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your wife!"

The room got really quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Thu Feb 27, 2020 6:10 am
by fallingwickets
a big hit with the golfers no doubt :D :D

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Thu Feb 27, 2020 1:25 pm
by ShadowsDad
Good one!

I'm no golfer and neither is the wife, we both got a good laugh out of it.

Re: Joke of the Day

Posted: Sat Feb 29, 2020 7:45 am
by fallingwickets