Joke of the Day

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GA Russell
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Wed Apr 08, 2020 11:02 am

Another English joke.

*****

A four year old girl befriends a group of builders who are working on a house next door to hers.

The builders fall in love with her because she is so cute. They give her a bit of sand to play with so she can pretend she is mixing cement. At lunchtime they let her have lunch with them in their canteen hut.

The girl spends a bit of time on the building site every day that week.

On Friday the builders all put a pound coin in an envelope and tell her it’s her wages.

Her mum takes the girl to the bank so she can open her first bank account with the money. She tells the teller the story.

‘What a lovely story’ says the teller. ‘Are you going to work tomorrow?’ she asks the girl.

‘Well if those fucking halfwits at Jewsons get their fingers out their arses and get the stuff there on time, we are hoping to be in the alehouse for 12.’ the girl replied.
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GA Russell
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Thu Apr 09, 2020 10:44 pm

In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Fri Apr 10, 2020 1:41 am

One day, a man was dragged to the movie theatre by his wife who wanted to watch a romantic comedy.

Half an hour into the film, the man felt a nudge in his elbow.

"What an outrage," his wife murmured to him. "The person sitting in front of us is sleeping!" the woman said, clearly offended.

He replied: "You woke me up to tell me that?"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by brothers » Fri Apr 10, 2020 6:34 am

Yep, that's me!
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Tue Apr 14, 2020 10:11 am

I hope everyone enjoyed his Easter!

*****

Manny is almost 29 years old. His friends have already gotten married, but Manny still just dates and dates.

Finally, a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together. "So, Manny, did you find that perfect girl yet--one that's just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes, I found one just like Mom. And my mother loved her, and they became fast friends."

"So should I congratulate you? Are you and this girl engaged yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"
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ShadowsDad
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ShadowsDad » Tue Apr 14, 2020 3:53 pm

Didn't see that coming! =D> :lol:
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fallingwickets
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by fallingwickets » Wed Apr 15, 2020 2:48 am

Didn't see that coming! =D> :lol:

ditto
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by brothers » Thu Apr 16, 2020 8:13 pm

Sounds like dear old dad should go soak his head. :wink:
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Sun Apr 19, 2020 5:38 pm

Here is another English joke. (These English jokes are probably old news to Clive.)

*****

A family have a parrot, and after many years, it dies. The wife is distraught, and after a few days, goes to the pet store to get another.

The store owner proudly shows off this wonderful colourful specimen, saying it’s the only one he has in store, and it’s free to a good home.

“But it’s beautiful, how come it’s free?”

“Ah” says the owner “it has a rather 'choice' vocabulary. Y’see, it was handed in by the Madam of the local brothel after the police shut them down last week.”

“I don’t care, I’ll take it.” And off she goes.

At home, the parrot looks around and squawks, “Bloody ‘ell, a new brothel!”

The woman is horrified… the parrot carries on.. “Bloody ‘ell, the madam’s fat”… “Bloody ‘ell, it’s warm in ‘ere” … “Bloody ‘ell, gimme a drink”… the woman’s two daughters, late teens and early 20’s, hear the commotion and walk in the room

“Bloody ‘ell, some new tarts!”

The girls think it’s hilarious, and burst out laughing, which gets the attention of their dad, who’s out in the garden. He walks into the room and the parrot shrieks.

“Bloody ‘ell Dave, haven’t seen you for over a week!”
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by brothers » Sun Apr 19, 2020 7:48 pm

And it's all true. It appears that "Dave" and the "new tarts" are all wishing the loquacious bird had never been taught to speak freely about what he sees at the brothel. This is funny.😂
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fallingwickets
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by fallingwickets » Tue Apr 21, 2020 3:51 am

new to me :)

7 thumbs up on the funny!

clive
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Tue Apr 21, 2020 4:16 pm

I've seen some good English jokes!

*****

A bin man (garbage man) is doing his rounds in the posh area of town. He can’t find one house’s wheely bin, so he rings the doorbell, and a well-dressed lady answers.

“Where’s yer bin?” he asks

“Oh, thank you for noticing, we’ve just got back from the Algarve,” says the lady, stroking her tan.

“No, where’s yer wheely bin?”

“OK, fine, I've been using the sunbed,” she scolds, and slams the door.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by brothers » Tue Apr 21, 2020 5:17 pm

My Wife isn’t talking to me.
Apparently I ruined her birthday.
Don’t know how...... I didn’t even know it was her birthday.
Gary

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by fallingwickets » Wed Apr 22, 2020 4:15 am

:lol: :lol:
de gustibus non est disputandum

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ShadowsDad
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ShadowsDad » Wed Apr 22, 2020 7:46 am

Good belly laugh at that!

I've been known to ask the wife what she wants for her b'day months in advance so that she tells me when it is. I know it's sometime in June, but the date always escapes me. Names too. Names escape me.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Gene » Wed Apr 22, 2020 1:43 pm

Talking bird joke...

Man goes to the pet shop - asks for the most exotic pet in the shop.

Attendant says: "This parrot speaks 5 languages."

Man converses with the bird as a test - marvels at the skills - buys the bird and asks to have it delivered.

Man gets home that evening - asks what's for dinner.

Wife says - "That marvelous bird you had delivered this afternoon."

Man is shocked - says: "That bird was a gift for you! It cost us a fortune - it spoke 5 languages!"

Wife replies: "Well, he didn't say anything to me!"
Gene

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GA Russell
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Wed Apr 22, 2020 4:32 pm

Great to see you again, Gene!

*****

The cable repairman was on my street, and asked me what time it was.

I told him it is between 1:00 pm and 4:00 pm.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by John Rose » Thu Apr 23, 2020 12:22 am

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"
"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that shit."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by brothers » Tue Apr 28, 2020 6:03 pm

Where do you take someone who's been in a "peek-a-boo" accident?

You take them to
the I.C.U. !
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GA Russell
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Tue Apr 28, 2020 6:32 pm

Having children gives your life purpose. Right now, my purpose is to get some sleep.
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