Joke of the Day

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GA Russell
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Thu Apr 30, 2020 12:54 am

I've heard that dogs are man's best friend. That explains where men get their hygiene tips.
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GA Russell
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Thu Apr 30, 2020 11:17 pm

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.

The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I plainly saw him take the goods."

The lawyer asked again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asked, "Sam, listen: you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam replied, "I can see the moon -- how far is that?"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ShadowsDad » Fri May 01, 2020 6:53 am

Good point!
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GA Russell
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Sun May 17, 2020 1:42 pm

This is from Michael Caine.

*****

A man comes home early from work to find his wife in bed with his three best friends.

He looks at them and exclaims, “Wots this!?! ‘ello, ‘ello, ‘ello!”

His wife looks up at him and says, “Well aren’t you going to say ‘ello to me?”
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ShadowsDad » Sun May 17, 2020 1:54 pm

I just knew where that was going, its humorous anyway! :D
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GA Russell
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Thu May 21, 2020 4:51 pm

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus. 2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her. If she finds her way back home, don't open the door.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Tue May 26, 2020 8:59 pm

My mother was a clean freak.

She vacuumed so much the guy downstairs went bald.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by brothers » Wed Jun 10, 2020 12:33 pm

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cartoon 061020.jpg (18.32 KiB) Viewed 268 times
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Tue Jun 23, 2020 5:15 pm

I found another English joke.

*****

She’s had a hard day, and so she runs a nice long bath for a chance to relax her cares away. She lights some candles, puts on some music, pours a big glass of wine, strips off, and climbs into the warm bubbles.

Only been in a few minutes when the doorbell rings. Obviously completely naked, she realizes she doesn’t have a towel handy so she tries to cover herself with few handfuls of judiciously placed bubbles and goes to the front door.

“Who is it?” She calls out.

“The blind guy from the village” comes the slow, quiet response.

Well, she thinks, I might be naked, but he won’t see me, so no harm in answering to see what he wants? So she opens the door.

“Nice tits. Where do you want your blinds?” he says.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell » Sat Jun 27, 2020 7:35 pm

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m., and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by fallingwickets » Sun Jun 28, 2020 4:00 am

LOLOLOL...thats a good one :D :D
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by brothers » Sun Jun 28, 2020 10:18 am

Ha! One of the best ones yet! :D
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