Slant Bar: The Road to Damascus

Let's talk about single and double edged razors and the blades that they use.
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Bargepole
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Slant Bar: The Road to Damascus

Post by Bargepole »

The Slant Bar, aka \|, aka Backslash Pipe. What an odd thing. What passions it do arouse to be sure. Here for the edification of the faithful and the encouragement of catechumens follows my own pilgrimage, in eight fits or stages.

FIT THE FIRST: INCOMPREHENSION

Wonder what this damn Slant Bar is. Wonder why anyone would use it. Wonder how come it looks so peculiar. Wonder what sort of a lunatic would put something so obviously malign and horrible and spiteful and nasty anywhere near their own actual, personal face.

FIT THE SECOND: SCORN

If I don't understand it, it must be foolish. Of course. Take sides with Mr Greenberg. Repeat to self Mr Greenberg's jokes about slant bar being for urinal-cake salesmen from Modesto despite feeling guilty as still on good terms with ex from Modesto, nice woman who deserved better. (And got better, too. Different story. Mind own business. Chap entitled to some privacy.) Also wonder en passant whether it's true about the urinal cake salesmen. How does one go about becoming a urinal cake salesman? Why? Why special cake? Why not ordinary cake? Who eats cake while at urinal anyway? Unhygienic, surely. Life a mystery. Slantbar not a mystery. Slantbar silly.

FIT THE THIRD: SELF-DOUBT

Read reviews. Read assessments. Read experiences. Look at pictures of \| and shudder. Does everyone else know something I don't know? How can this be? Been shaving with badger, cream, blade since age 15. Thirty-seven years' experience. Maybe weakling. Maybe not real man. Maybe should consider it. Look at more backslash pipe pictures. Feel self oddly diminished.

FIT THE FOURTH: DESIRE

Feel resolve slipping, opinion performing 180-degree facebrake turn. Find self slowing down at Hungerford exit on M4. The Gentleman's Shop just 6 minutes away. Resist temptation. Find self downloading pics of \| fretfully in small hours. Growing dissatisfaction with old open-comb razor, HD, Vision. Tell self razors like women, all same in dark. Tell self obvious delusion, not all same in dark. Razors like women, all dangerous in dark. Desire continues unabated.

FIT THE FIFTH: TRANSGRESSION

Wait until hair long, excuse for cut, only decent barber obviously in Hungerford, tell Herself just popping out for haircut, Herself says: In Hungerford? Tell Herself keep civil tongue in head or will go worse for her. Herself says: You're going to buy another razor. Lie. Tell Herself: Nonsense, darling, you are deluded; better have a nice lie-down. Get in car. Drive. Get haircut. Buy \| as ostensible afterthought ("Oh... while I'm here..."), fooling nobody, either self or sales staff. Go home.

FIT THE SIXTH: FEAR

Next morning, shave in secret. Prep as usual, plus 10mg diazepam to be on safe side. Trembling hand. Stubble AND razor burn. How can this be? New Gillette blade, sure-fire lather. So? Damn thing clearly rubbish. Everyone on SMF obviously lying, boasting, pulling wool over everyone else's eyes. Blood.

FIT THE SEVENTH: REMORSE

Still look like tractor-driver next day. Windwhipped raw rural "face". Reach for soothing HD but find unsuspected reserve of stern resolve. Use \| instead. Worse. Blood. Stubble. Regret. Anger. Herself: Why are you in bathroom shouting at your razor? "Shut up," I explain. Resolve to sell thing.

FIT THE EIGHTH: REVELATION

One last go this morning, in order prove something self. Annoyed. Am going to be beaten silly razor? Pish. Bugger it: just shave. If stubble, blood, too bad. Snik-snek-zzzzip. Hello? Shave perfect. Irritation nil. Alum block: no stinging. Hmm. Splash on Trumper's Milk of Flowers, guaranteed to sting even feet. Even shoes. Does not sting. Feel face. Smooth. Slantbar seems to have pulled itself together after yesterday's tongue-lashing. Put all other razors away in Secret "What, this old thing, it was Great-Uncle Florence's" Razor Drawer. Strange feeling have found The Answer. Order a second one for other house, small hovel on Greek island. Breathe Zen-type sigh relief, feel deep sense brotherhood with other \| users, deep sense pity for those who have not yet discovered the backslash pipe. Send rude email Mr Greenberg. Resolve look into opportunities in urinal-cake sector. Investigate Modesto property prices. Turn over new leaf.
[/b]
Leisureguy

Post by Leisureguy »

Absolutely wonderful! Great description of epic journey. I salute you.
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Post by bernards66 »

Michael, Hilarious piece. Reminded me of those old 19th c. drawings like, 'The Drunkard's Progress'; only yours didn't end so dismally, as it turned out ( chuckle ). A 'shavegeek' classic, unquestionably. Glad it worked out, but, for me, after considerable experiance with them, I've been forced to conclude that all Slant Bars do for me personally, is give me razor bumps that seem to take forever to heal. They are clearly not for me. Too bad to, as I always rather liked the look of them.
Regards,
Gordon
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Ben
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Re: Slant Bar: The Road to Damascus

Post by Ben »

Bargepole wrote:Next morning, shave in secret.
:lol:

Bargepole wrote:Prep as usual, plus 10mg diazepam to be on safe side.


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hell-bent ... hell-bent for Feather!

"As your attorney, I advise you to take a hit out of the little brown flask in my shaving kit."
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Post by Rich53 »

Absolutely wonderful and humerous post. Please write more about your experiences.

regards,
Rich

Do not give up before the miracle happens.
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Post by Tye »

That was fantastic. Thankyou for making Saturday an even better day.

-Tye

P.S. Now I have to buy and try one of these damned razors. Thanks. Good thing Devin is back in NY for a bit.
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Re: Slant Bar: The Road to Damascus

Post by drmoss_ca »

Bargepole wrote:...And got better, too. Different story. Mind own business. Chap entitled to some privacy....
This sentence did it for me - Bargepole, Michael and this style of writing. Well, well - moved from Gordon Square to Cambridge? I think our paths last crossed on Steve Masticola's little list. Apart, that is, from me recommending Lost Worlds to all who can read.

Or am I making a complete fool of myself and misidentifying you? (A question that will probably attract an affirmative, but that may have nothing to do with the answer?)

Chris
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Bargepole
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Re: Slant Bar: The Road to Damascus

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drmoss_ca wrote:
Bargepole wrote:...And got better, too. Different story. Mind own business. Chap entitled to some privacy....
This sentence did it for me - Bargepole, Michael and this style of writing. Well, well - moved from Gordon Square to Cambridge? I think our paths last crossed on Steve Masticola's little list. Apart, that is, from me recommending Lost Worlds to all who can read.

Or am I making a complete fool of myself and misidentifying you? (A question that will probably attract an affirmative, but that may have nothing to do with the answer?)
Damn. Cover blown. (Lamb's Conduit Street, not Gordon Square, but you're within a few hundred yards.) Yes - the Pipes Digest. I remember you now, Chris. I wonder if there's some strange morphic resonance linking cold steel and Latakia? How many people on this list smoke(d) - not cigarettes, but proper tobacco, in pipes or cigars, I wonder? www.brushandbaccy.com, anyone?

Michael
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Mike R
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Post by Mike R »

Great piece of writing.

Shaving in secret? Yelling at your razor? Secret "What, this old thing, it was Great-Uncle Florence's" Razor Drawer? I love it.

You're on the right forum, that's for sure.

Mike
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Re: Slant Bar: The Road to Damascus

Post by kd7kip »

Bargepole wrote: Slantbar silly.
Oh so true. Great piece...

-Scott
Dumb as a stump and twice as ugly...
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drmoss_ca
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Post by drmoss_ca »

Michael,
Welcome home. Old fogies (of all ages), curmudgeons, grouches and iconoclasts are at home here. Ain't it funny how paths cross? I think it rather funny that I recognised you from your style of writing in three short paragraphs!

All others,
Encourage this chap and he will delight you with his writing - and here you don't have to pay for it. With respect to my comment about Lost Worlds, all who hanker after the Age Just Before Their Own should visit their local Amazon dot whatever and search the books section for Michael Bywater, buy Lost Worlds. Read it. Weep.

Chris
"Je n'ai pas besoin de cette hypothèse."
Pierre-Simon de Laplace
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Ben
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Re: Slant Bar: The Road to Damascus

Post by Ben »

drmoss_ca wrote:Steve Masticola's little list
Now that's a name I haven't heard in some time.
Hell-bent ... hell-bent for Feather!

"As your attorney, I advise you to take a hit out of the little brown flask in my shaving kit."
— Dr. Gonzo, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Leisureguy

Post by Leisureguy »

Well, I was a dedicated pipe smoker (and collector). Had to give it up because of sinuses, but did enjoy the various blends my tobacconist created---yes, with latakia. Great pipes. :sigh: Now in the past.

And my copy of Lost Worlds is on its way to me now.
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Bargepole
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Post by Bargepole »

Guys, guys -- what if you hate the book? Then I'll be an outcast. (Like the bit in the movies where the gal says "Oh be gentle with me big sir" and then WHOP up comes the knee.)

Seriously: this wasn't a sales pitch, just a true story. Dr Moss blew my cover. You don't like the book, hunt HIM down, okay? I am just the conduit for unseen, magical forces from beyond our ken. Shh. [Whooooo.] See? Toldja.

Michael


[Whooooo.]
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Pauldog
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Post by Pauldog »

Urinal cakes go back to the days of Marie Antoinette. I'd say more, but I don't have the time...
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Post by vespergo »

Bravo! nice piece, enjoyed it immensely.
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Post by ichabod »

Excellent, excellent post!

Thanks for a great read.

=D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D>
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Mike R
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Post by Mike R »

Leisureguy wrote:And my copy of Lost Worlds is on its way to me now.
Me, too. I can't wait.

Bargepole wrote:Guys, guys -- what if you hate the book?
Well . . . we know that if we flame you you'll probably see it. :)

Mike
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Post by mantic »

Brilliant post! =D>

--Mark

(Who's waiting on a slant to be delivered, might be here tomorrow!)
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Bargepole
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Post by Bargepole »

Mike R wrote:
Bargepole wrote:Guys, guys -- what if you hate the book?
Well . . . we know that if we flame you you'll probably see it. :)

Mike
Not looking. Not looking. Can't see a thing. Not listening either la-la-la-tum-ti-tim hummmmmmmm... 8)
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