Slant Bar: The Road to Damascus
- Bargepole
- Beam me up Scotty
- Posts: 2350
- Joined: Thu Jun 15, 2006 1:07 pm
- Location: Cambridge, England
Slant Bar: The Road to Damascus
The Slant Bar, aka \|, aka Backslash Pipe. What an odd thing. What passions it do arouse to be sure. Here for the edification of the faithful and the encouragement of catechumens follows my own pilgrimage, in eight fits or stages.
FIT THE FIRST: INCOMPREHENSION
Wonder what this damn Slant Bar is. Wonder why anyone would use it. Wonder how come it looks so peculiar. Wonder what sort of a lunatic would put something so obviously malign and horrible and spiteful and nasty anywhere near their own actual, personal face.
FIT THE SECOND: SCORN
If I don't understand it, it must be foolish. Of course. Take sides with Mr Greenberg. Repeat to self Mr Greenberg's jokes about slant bar being for urinal-cake salesmen from Modesto despite feeling guilty as still on good terms with ex from Modesto, nice woman who deserved better. (And got better, too. Different story. Mind own business. Chap entitled to some privacy.) Also wonder en passant whether it's true about the urinal cake salesmen. How does one go about becoming a urinal cake salesman? Why? Why special cake? Why not ordinary cake? Who eats cake while at urinal anyway? Unhygienic, surely. Life a mystery. Slantbar not a mystery. Slantbar silly.
FIT THE THIRD: SELF-DOUBT
Read reviews. Read assessments. Read experiences. Look at pictures of \| and shudder. Does everyone else know something I don't know? How can this be? Been shaving with badger, cream, blade since age 15. Thirty-seven years' experience. Maybe weakling. Maybe not real man. Maybe should consider it. Look at more backslash pipe pictures. Feel self oddly diminished.
FIT THE FOURTH: DESIRE
Feel resolve slipping, opinion performing 180-degree facebrake turn. Find self slowing down at Hungerford exit on M4. The Gentleman's Shop just 6 minutes away. Resist temptation. Find self downloading pics of \| fretfully in small hours. Growing dissatisfaction with old open-comb razor, HD, Vision. Tell self razors like women, all same in dark. Tell self obvious delusion, not all same in dark. Razors like women, all dangerous in dark. Desire continues unabated.
FIT THE FIFTH: TRANSGRESSION
Wait until hair long, excuse for cut, only decent barber obviously in Hungerford, tell Herself just popping out for haircut, Herself says: In Hungerford? Tell Herself keep civil tongue in head or will go worse for her. Herself says: You're going to buy another razor. Lie. Tell Herself: Nonsense, darling, you are deluded; better have a nice lie-down. Get in car. Drive. Get haircut. Buy \| as ostensible afterthought ("Oh... while I'm here..."), fooling nobody, either self or sales staff. Go home.
FIT THE SIXTH: FEAR
Next morning, shave in secret. Prep as usual, plus 10mg diazepam to be on safe side. Trembling hand. Stubble AND razor burn. How can this be? New Gillette blade, sure-fire lather. So? Damn thing clearly rubbish. Everyone on SMF obviously lying, boasting, pulling wool over everyone else's eyes. Blood.
FIT THE SEVENTH: REMORSE
Still look like tractor-driver next day. Windwhipped raw rural "face". Reach for soothing HD but find unsuspected reserve of stern resolve. Use \| instead. Worse. Blood. Stubble. Regret. Anger. Herself: Why are you in bathroom shouting at your razor? "Shut up," I explain. Resolve to sell thing.
FIT THE EIGHTH: REVELATION
One last go this morning, in order prove something self. Annoyed. Am going to be beaten silly razor? Pish. Bugger it: just shave. If stubble, blood, too bad. Snik-snek-zzzzip. Hello? Shave perfect. Irritation nil. Alum block: no stinging. Hmm. Splash on Trumper's Milk of Flowers, guaranteed to sting even feet. Even shoes. Does not sting. Feel face. Smooth. Slantbar seems to have pulled itself together after yesterday's tongue-lashing. Put all other razors away in Secret "What, this old thing, it was Great-Uncle Florence's" Razor Drawer. Strange feeling have found The Answer. Order a second one for other house, small hovel on Greek island. Breathe Zen-type sigh relief, feel deep sense brotherhood with other \| users, deep sense pity for those who have not yet discovered the backslash pipe. Send rude email Mr Greenberg. Resolve look into opportunities in urinal-cake sector. Investigate Modesto property prices. Turn over new leaf.
[/b]
FIT THE FIRST: INCOMPREHENSION
Wonder what this damn Slant Bar is. Wonder why anyone would use it. Wonder how come it looks so peculiar. Wonder what sort of a lunatic would put something so obviously malign and horrible and spiteful and nasty anywhere near their own actual, personal face.
FIT THE SECOND: SCORN
If I don't understand it, it must be foolish. Of course. Take sides with Mr Greenberg. Repeat to self Mr Greenberg's jokes about slant bar being for urinal-cake salesmen from Modesto despite feeling guilty as still on good terms with ex from Modesto, nice woman who deserved better. (And got better, too. Different story. Mind own business. Chap entitled to some privacy.) Also wonder en passant whether it's true about the urinal cake salesmen. How does one go about becoming a urinal cake salesman? Why? Why special cake? Why not ordinary cake? Who eats cake while at urinal anyway? Unhygienic, surely. Life a mystery. Slantbar not a mystery. Slantbar silly.
FIT THE THIRD: SELF-DOUBT
Read reviews. Read assessments. Read experiences. Look at pictures of \| and shudder. Does everyone else know something I don't know? How can this be? Been shaving with badger, cream, blade since age 15. Thirty-seven years' experience. Maybe weakling. Maybe not real man. Maybe should consider it. Look at more backslash pipe pictures. Feel self oddly diminished.
FIT THE FOURTH: DESIRE
Feel resolve slipping, opinion performing 180-degree facebrake turn. Find self slowing down at Hungerford exit on M4. The Gentleman's Shop just 6 minutes away. Resist temptation. Find self downloading pics of \| fretfully in small hours. Growing dissatisfaction with old open-comb razor, HD, Vision. Tell self razors like women, all same in dark. Tell self obvious delusion, not all same in dark. Razors like women, all dangerous in dark. Desire continues unabated.
FIT THE FIFTH: TRANSGRESSION
Wait until hair long, excuse for cut, only decent barber obviously in Hungerford, tell Herself just popping out for haircut, Herself says: In Hungerford? Tell Herself keep civil tongue in head or will go worse for her. Herself says: You're going to buy another razor. Lie. Tell Herself: Nonsense, darling, you are deluded; better have a nice lie-down. Get in car. Drive. Get haircut. Buy \| as ostensible afterthought ("Oh... while I'm here..."), fooling nobody, either self or sales staff. Go home.
FIT THE SIXTH: FEAR
Next morning, shave in secret. Prep as usual, plus 10mg diazepam to be on safe side. Trembling hand. Stubble AND razor burn. How can this be? New Gillette blade, sure-fire lather. So? Damn thing clearly rubbish. Everyone on SMF obviously lying, boasting, pulling wool over everyone else's eyes. Blood.
FIT THE SEVENTH: REMORSE
Still look like tractor-driver next day. Windwhipped raw rural "face". Reach for soothing HD but find unsuspected reserve of stern resolve. Use \| instead. Worse. Blood. Stubble. Regret. Anger. Herself: Why are you in bathroom shouting at your razor? "Shut up," I explain. Resolve to sell thing.
FIT THE EIGHTH: REVELATION
One last go this morning, in order prove something self. Annoyed. Am going to be beaten silly razor? Pish. Bugger it: just shave. If stubble, blood, too bad. Snik-snek-zzzzip. Hello? Shave perfect. Irritation nil. Alum block: no stinging. Hmm. Splash on Trumper's Milk of Flowers, guaranteed to sting even feet. Even shoes. Does not sting. Feel face. Smooth. Slantbar seems to have pulled itself together after yesterday's tongue-lashing. Put all other razors away in Secret "What, this old thing, it was Great-Uncle Florence's" Razor Drawer. Strange feeling have found The Answer. Order a second one for other house, small hovel on Greek island. Breathe Zen-type sigh relief, feel deep sense brotherhood with other \| users, deep sense pity for those who have not yet discovered the backslash pipe. Send rude email Mr Greenberg. Resolve look into opportunities in urinal-cake sector. Investigate Modesto property prices. Turn over new leaf.
[/b]
-
- Duke of Silvertip!
- Posts: 27393
- Joined: Sun Feb 27, 2005 1:02 pm
Michael, Hilarious piece. Reminded me of those old 19th c. drawings like, 'The Drunkard's Progress'; only yours didn't end so dismally, as it turned out ( chuckle ). A 'shavegeek' classic, unquestionably. Glad it worked out, but, for me, after considerable experiance with them, I've been forced to conclude that all Slant Bars do for me personally, is give me razor bumps that seem to take forever to heal. They are clearly not for me. Too bad to, as I always rather liked the look of them.
Regards,
Gordon
Regards,
Gordon
Re: Slant Bar: The Road to Damascus
Bargepole wrote:Next morning, shave in secret.
Bargepole wrote:Prep as usual, plus 10mg diazepam to be on safe side.
Hell-bent ... hell-bent for Feather!
"As your attorney, I advise you to take a hit out of the little brown flask in my shaving kit."
— Dr. Gonzo, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
"As your attorney, I advise you to take a hit out of the little brown flask in my shaving kit."
— Dr. Gonzo, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Re: Slant Bar: The Road to Damascus
This sentence did it for me - Bargepole, Michael and this style of writing. Well, well - moved from Gordon Square to Cambridge? I think our paths last crossed on Steve Masticola's little list. Apart, that is, from me recommending Lost Worlds to all who can read.Bargepole wrote:...And got better, too. Different story. Mind own business. Chap entitled to some privacy....
Or am I making a complete fool of myself and misidentifying you? (A question that will probably attract an affirmative, but that may have nothing to do with the answer?)
Chris
"Je n'ai pas besoin de cette hypothèse."
Pierre-Simon de Laplace
Pierre-Simon de Laplace
- Bargepole
- Beam me up Scotty
- Posts: 2350
- Joined: Thu Jun 15, 2006 1:07 pm
- Location: Cambridge, England
Re: Slant Bar: The Road to Damascus
Damn. Cover blown. (Lamb's Conduit Street, not Gordon Square, but you're within a few hundred yards.) Yes - the Pipes Digest. I remember you now, Chris. I wonder if there's some strange morphic resonance linking cold steel and Latakia? How many people on this list smoke(d) - not cigarettes, but proper tobacco, in pipes or cigars, I wonder? www.brushandbaccy.com, anyone?drmoss_ca wrote:This sentence did it for me - Bargepole, Michael and this style of writing. Well, well - moved from Gordon Square to Cambridge? I think our paths last crossed on Steve Masticola's little list. Apart, that is, from me recommending Lost Worlds to all who can read.Bargepole wrote:...And got better, too. Different story. Mind own business. Chap entitled to some privacy....
Or am I making a complete fool of myself and misidentifying you? (A question that will probably attract an affirmative, but that may have nothing to do with the answer?)
Michael
Re: Slant Bar: The Road to Damascus
Oh so true. Great piece...Bargepole wrote: Slantbar silly.
-Scott
Dumb as a stump and twice as ugly...
Michael,
Welcome home. Old fogies (of all ages), curmudgeons, grouches and iconoclasts are at home here. Ain't it funny how paths cross? I think it rather funny that I recognised you from your style of writing in three short paragraphs!
All others,
Encourage this chap and he will delight you with his writing - and here you don't have to pay for it. With respect to my comment about Lost Worlds, all who hanker after the Age Just Before Their Own should visit their local Amazon dot whatever and search the books section for Michael Bywater, buy Lost Worlds. Read it. Weep.
Chris
Welcome home. Old fogies (of all ages), curmudgeons, grouches and iconoclasts are at home here. Ain't it funny how paths cross? I think it rather funny that I recognised you from your style of writing in three short paragraphs!
All others,
Encourage this chap and he will delight you with his writing - and here you don't have to pay for it. With respect to my comment about Lost Worlds, all who hanker after the Age Just Before Their Own should visit their local Amazon dot whatever and search the books section for Michael Bywater, buy Lost Worlds. Read it. Weep.
Chris
"Je n'ai pas besoin de cette hypothèse."
Pierre-Simon de Laplace
Pierre-Simon de Laplace
Re: Slant Bar: The Road to Damascus
Now that's a name I haven't heard in some time.drmoss_ca wrote:Steve Masticola's little list
Hell-bent ... hell-bent for Feather!
"As your attorney, I advise you to take a hit out of the little brown flask in my shaving kit."
— Dr. Gonzo, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
"As your attorney, I advise you to take a hit out of the little brown flask in my shaving kit."
— Dr. Gonzo, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
- Bargepole
- Beam me up Scotty
- Posts: 2350
- Joined: Thu Jun 15, 2006 1:07 pm
- Location: Cambridge, England
Guys, guys -- what if you hate the book? Then I'll be an outcast. (Like the bit in the movies where the gal says "Oh be gentle with me big sir" and then WHOP up comes the knee.)
Seriously: this wasn't a sales pitch, just a true story. Dr Moss blew my cover. You don't like the book, hunt HIM down, okay? I am just the conduit for unseen, magical forces from beyond our ken. Shh. [Whooooo.] See? Toldja.
Michael
[Whooooo.]
Seriously: this wasn't a sales pitch, just a true story. Dr Moss blew my cover. You don't like the book, hunt HIM down, okay? I am just the conduit for unseen, magical forces from beyond our ken. Shh. [Whooooo.] See? Toldja.
Michael
[Whooooo.]