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Joke of the Day

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Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Thu Oct 10, 2013 4:23 pm

Always be nice to your children, because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Fri Oct 11, 2013 11:58 pm

Which are harder to raise, boys or girls? Girls.

Boys are easy. Give them a book of matches, and they're happy.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby fallingwickets » Sun Oct 13, 2013 4:12 am

:D :D :D :D
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Fri Oct 25, 2013 9:21 pm

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines.

The little boy was looking out the window at all the planes on the ground when he turned to his mother
and asked "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother could not think of an answer, so she told her son to ask the flight attendant.

The little boy walked down the aisle and asked the flight attendant the same question.

The busy flight attendant smiled and asked "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said "Yes, she did."

The flight attendant replied "Well then,
you go and tell your mother there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.
Ask her to explain that to you".
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby brothers » Sun Oct 27, 2013 11:56 am

This is a good idea for a thread, but my problem is that no matter how funny a joke is, and no matter how hard I laugh, I can't seem to remember any of them!
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby divotmax » Sat Nov 02, 2013 8:37 am

Two old guys were talking and one was telling the other about his new hearing aid.
"This is the most modern hearing aid there is; digital electronics, automatic volume controls, adjusts to different hearing environments, directional controls, and beeps when the batteries are low."
His friend says, "Incredible, what kind is it?"
"Two thirty."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Whistler » Sat Nov 02, 2013 1:54 pm

Two Italian men were sitting behind a woman on a bus.

“Emma come first,” one of the men said to the other. “Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Denna two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come oncea more.”
“You pigs,” the lady yelled. “In this country, we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”
“Hey, coola down, lady,” the one man said. “Imma justs tellun him howa to spella Mississippi.”
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Tue Nov 05, 2013 1:42 pm

A married couple was shopping at the supermarket when the husband picked up a 12 pack of beer and put it in the cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asked the wife.
"They're on sale for $10 for 12 cans," he explained.
"Put them back," she demanded. "We can't afford it."
A few aisles later, she picked up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asked the husband indignantly.
"It's my face cream," she said. "It makes me look beautiful."
He said: "So do 12 cans of beer and they're half the price!"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Wed Nov 06, 2013 5:17 pm

An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. "Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."

"How can you tell?" asked the American.

"I can feel the cold air." he replied.

A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.

"How do you know that?" asked the Russian. "I can feel the heat of the desert."

Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York."

The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know all of that?" they exclaimed.

The American pulled his hand up. "My watch is missing."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Mon Nov 11, 2013 10:52 pm

A guitarist sat tuning his instrument all through the first set that the band played. Each time the leader pointed to him to take a chorus, he would say, "No, man, I'm still tuning up." Half an hour into the gig he was still not ready.

"Why do you need so much time for tuning?" asked the leader. "When I went to hear Segovia he played a whole concert and I didn't see him tune up once!"

The guitar player gave a shrug. "Some cats just don't give a damn!"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Wed Nov 13, 2013 4:37 pm

Two musicians were driving down a road. All of a sudden they noticed the Grim Reaper in the backseat. Death informed them they had an accident and they both died. But, before he would take them into eternity, he granted that each musician could have one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician said he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Acky-Breaky Heart for remembrance. So that was granted. When it was time for the second musician to reveal his wish, he said: "I was a jazz musician... just kill me now!"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Thu Nov 14, 2013 10:23 pm

My mother holds all the sales records for Avon ladies.
Her secret was to follow Jehovah's Witnesses around so people would be happy to see her.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Bobwhite » Fri Nov 15, 2013 12:59 am

A man was in a bar wearing a cowboy hat. A beautiful woman came up and asked him and asked him if he is a real cowboy. He replied, "I was born on a 10,000 acre ranch in Wyoming, I brand cows and keep them healthy. I stay up all night helping to give birth to cows in the spring, so Yes, I'm a real cowboy. The woman just walked away. The cowboy said, "Wait a minute, I told you about me, now you tell me about you. She replied,"I'm a lesbian." then she walked away. He said, "No no no, tell me more than that. She said, " I just love the scent of a woman, I love the soft skin and the curves. I can not keep women off of my mind, I think about them all day."

He sat at his barstool very confused, when a couple came up to him and asked him again if he is a real cowboy. He replied, "I thought I was, but now I think I'm a lesbian!.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Kyle76 » Fri Nov 15, 2013 7:37 am

Little Johnny is sitting in class the day after having been circumcised. He is in a lot of discomfort, and can't stop squirming and rubbing his private parts. Finally, the teacher says, "Johnny, what is wrong with you?" Johnny says, "I was circumcised yesterday, and I'm very sore." The teacher tells Johnny to go to the office and call his mother to come and get him. A few minutes later, Johnny is back in class. The teacher looks over, and Johnny has his zipper down and his penis is protruding from his pants. The teacher says, "Johnny! What on earth are you doing? Didn't you call your mother?" Johnny says, "Yes I did. She said if I could just stick it out until lunch, she'd come pick me up."
Last edited by Kyle76 on Mon Nov 18, 2013 2:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Bobwhite » Sat Nov 16, 2013 1:13 am

Saint Peter was greeting people at the pearly gates when two hoodlums showed up. St.Peter thought he better check with God before letting them in. God told him not to be judgmental and to go let them in. St. Peter headed back to the gates, and stopped and returned to God and said, "They're gone". God asked, "the hoodlums?" "No" said St peter, the pearly gates are gone.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Sun Nov 17, 2013 12:00 am

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat minor.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Sun Nov 17, 2013 9:17 pm

A band at a Mafia wedding decided to take requests. Nunzio walks up and asks "Uh, do youse guys know da song "Strangers in da Night"?

The band leader says, "Sure we know that one."

Nunzio says "Hey! dat's great! But I got just one favor - could youse play it in 5/4 time?"

"Isn't it played in 4/4 time?" the band leader asked. "Yeah, but dis here's a special occasion, know whut I mean?"

The band discusses amongst themselves, till the leader turns and says "I don't think we'll have any problems."

Nunzio turns and yells out "Hey Uncle Vinnie! C'mon up here and sing!"

Uncle Vinnie walks up to the mike as the band begins the intro, and then starts to sing... "Strangers in da f------' night..."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby maskaggs » Mon Nov 18, 2013 10:21 am

GA Russell wrote:A band at a Mafia wedding decided to take requests. Nunzio walks up and asks "Uh, do youse guys know da song "Strangers in da Night"?

The band leader says, "Sure we know that one."

Nunzio says "Hey! dat's great! But I got just one favor - could youse play it in 5/4 time?"

"Isn't it played in 4/4 time?" the band leader asked. "Yeah, but dis here's a special occasion, know whut I mean?"

The band discusses amongst themselves, till the leader turns and says "I don't think we'll have any problems."

Nunzio turns and yells out "Hey Uncle Vinnie! C'mon up here and sing!"

Uncle Vinnie walks up to the mike as the band begins the intro, and then starts to sing... "Strangers in da f------' night..."


This had me laughing out loud - great stuff!
Regards,
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby GA Russell » Mon Nov 18, 2013 1:31 pm

Thanks Mike!

*****

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday.

“I’d love to be six again,” she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear – everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie – the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms.; What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked,

“Well, dear, what was it like being six again?”

One eye opened. “You idiot, I meant my dress size.”
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby ThePossum » Sat Nov 23, 2013 11:51 pm

A distraught older woman is looking at herself in the mirror and crying. Her voice shakes as she says to her husband, "I'm so old. I'm so fat. I look horrible. I really need a compliment."
Her husband, determined to quickly give his beloved the comfort she needs, exclaims, "Damn, do you have good eyesight!"
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