Joke of the Day

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CMur12
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by CMur12 »

I like that one, too, John!

- Murray
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by brothers »

Why did Batman and Robin quit going fishing together?
Why?
Because Robin ate all the worms!

Little Eddy and his mom were digging for fishing bait in the garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mom. “No, honey, it won’t do for bait,” she said. “It’s not an earthworm.” “It’s not?” Eddy asked, his eyes wide. “What planet is it from?”

Why didn’t Noah do much fishing on the ark?
Search me. Why?
He had only two worms.

How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
I don’t know. How?
By golf carp!

Where do fish keep their money?
Where?
In a riverbank.

A monastery is in financial trouble, so it goes into the fish-and-chips business to raise money. One night a customer knocks on its door. A monk answers. The customer asks, “Are you the fish friar?” “No,” he replies. “I’m the chip monk.”

Waiter, waiter, what’s wrong with this fish?
Long time no sea, sir.

What does every fisherman want?
What?
A gillfriend.
Gary

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GA Russell
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Re: Joke of the Day

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We used to terrorize our babysitters when I was little, except for my grandfather because he used to read to us from his will.
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fallingwickets
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by fallingwickets »

:D :D
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GA Russell
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell »

I'm still looking for more British gags.

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by John Rose »

GA Russell wrote: Tue Sep 08, 2020 1:46 pm I'm still looking for more British gags.
An oddly specific kink, but here ya go:
Image

I was hoping to find one with a Union Jack.
"If this isn't nice, then what is?" - Kurt Vonnegut's Uncle Alex
CMur12
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by CMur12 »

John, I really appreciate the many illustrations you provide along with your knowledgeable feedback.

- Murray
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by kronos9 »

Tommy, Quadrophenia, and The Wall. no collection is complete without them. Don't start me on Pink Floyd. Incredible stuff.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by drmoss_ca »

kronos9 wrote: Sat Sep 12, 2020 7:49 am Tommy, Quadrophenia, and The Wall. no collection is complete without them. Don't start me on Pink Floyd. Incredible stuff.
No need. Pink Floyd make The Who appear like a teenage school band. Those of us who grew up with 'prog rock' and 'concept albums' need have no shame for enjoying them. Teenage brains are impressionable, and such impressions last. That's why current/recent teenagers think rap and hip-hop are actually music.
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GA Russell
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Re: Joke of the Day

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My last credit card bill was so big I heard a drum roll when I opened it.
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Re: Joke of the Day

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I'm in a long term relationship with Citibank Visa. They call me all the time.

I think they just want me to feel loved.

*****

People are now going on dates at coffee bars.

This is the worst idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date doesn't look any better.

*****

All my doctor does is send me to other doctors.

I don't know if he's a real doctor or a booking agent.

*****

Canada is a country without a cuisine.

When was the last time you went out for Canadian?

*****

I enjoy yoga.

I enjoy any exercise where you get to lie down on the floor and go to sleep.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by brothers »

1. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.

2. What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.

3. What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.

4. What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.

5. Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.

6. Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!

7. What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.

8. What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!

9. What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
Gary

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John Rose
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by John Rose »

CMur12 wrote: Fri Sep 11, 2020 9:31 pm John, I really appreciate the many illustrations you provide along with your knowledgeable feedback.
The last panel is my motto.
Image
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by brothers »

:D Funny!
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GA Russell
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell »

I just saw some idiot at the gym.

He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill!
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell »

Today is my girl Stephanie Zimbalist's birthday. (See avatar.)

*****

A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

However as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ShadowsDad »

hehhehhehhehheh!
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by brothers »

Hmmm - I just don't get it! :wink:
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fallingwickets
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by fallingwickets »

LOL.....please extend bday greetings

clive
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GA Russell
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by GA Russell »

It's rare that I find two in one day, but this might be a repeat.

*****

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.

The two Englishmen just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should learn a foreign language...."

"Why?" says the other. "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
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